"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine"
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
WOW.
I read that quote this morning and had to go back and do a double-take.
For my last blog post of 2020, I’m now inspired to reflect on how I was able to get out of my own way a bit this year to really let the sunshine come through.
I think we can all agree that earlier this year, things changed a heck of a lot.
This was not only true for the pandemic, me going onto furlough from my job, but also specifically with my relationship anxiety.
When life slowed down during the pandemic, my distractions were gone.
Can anyone else relate?
I couldn’t force away my anxious feelings any longer by working, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, or traveling.
Instead, the anxiety all came crashing down, so to speak.
I was waking up with pits in my stomach for weeks on end in April.
Laying next to the most amazing person, but feeling guilty, anxious and uncertain.
I knew something had to change—the anxiety was too much for me to continue experiencing day in and day out.
But what I didn’t know yet was: in order for this change to happen—did my relationship need to end?
My heart sank thinking about that option.
At the time, I didn’t think I had many other options. It felt like I either stayed and lived with the anxiety, or leave and relieve myself of the anxiety (potentially…).
I did know that if there was any hope of me staying and saving the relationship, I needed to start doing things differently.
What I had been doing was clearly not working.
So slowly but surely, I started trying new things to get out of my own way.
Instead of pushing the anxious feelings away, I decided to face them head-on and looked into why anxiety in relationships happens.
I read, a LOT. (favs of 2020 have to be Wisdom of Anxiety + Eight Dates — recommendations for anyone struggling with relationship anxiety, anxiety in general, or who wants to strengthen their relationship.)
Instead of learning learning learning but not taking action, I signed up for a 8 week course that focused on rewriting limiting beliefs that were holding me back, gaining momentum in my life, and getting clear on my dreams and goals.
Then I signed up for the course AGAIN, because I learned so much in the first 8 weeks that helped me and I didn’t want to fall back into my old ways.
Instead of taking my relationship anxiety at face value, I started getting curious about the root causes of it, knowing there had to be more to the story than just a fear of divorce.
With intentional reflection, research, and help from some incredibly wise mentors and experts, I realized that the anxiety was almost completely unrelated to Nate, and almost completely related to me, myself and I.
I realized that I had been standing in the way of my own sunshine and creating shadows for years with the following behaviors and beliefs:
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striving for perfection
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looking to others to solve my problems for me instead of stepping into my power to solve them myself
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comparing myself and my relationship to the movies, social media or friends and family
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adding more distractions to my life vs. taking some off of my plate
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putting love on a pedestal
But no longer.
As I head into 2021, it’s time to let the sunshine through.
Removing the shadows I placed on myself, and instead:
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accepting that perfect is an illusion, and instead striving for growth
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realizing that no one can save me but myself, not even Nate
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appreciating my unique and beautiful relationship for what it is, vs. what it is not—realizing that social media and RomComs are not the truth
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allowing myself to do less, and focus more on just being; savoring the small moments of joy that add up to a lifetime of love and happiness
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forgiving myself for my high expectations of what love should mean, and releasing the pressure to live up to such standards
Will you join me in letting the sunshine come through in your life in 2021?
I sure hope so.
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Thanks for being here! It’s been such a fun adventure creating this blog in 2020.
With love,
Sarah
