In this digital age, technology can unintentionally have a large impact on our closest relationships.
A quote from Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt really stood out to me as I was reading, which inspired me to write more on this topic:
“Apple’s digital devices—the iPhone and iPad—are aptly named: they all strengthen the “I” and not the relationship we most care about”
— Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
This quote paired with me and Nate watching The Social Dilemma on Netflix last week really had me thinking.
There are some incredible things that have come from technology:
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We can FaceTime/video chat with anyone in the world. Communication that used to be 'impossible' is now very simple.
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Though social media platforms and websites, small businesses and individuals can share their messages with the world (myself included, like on this blog!)
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We can press a button and have food delivered to our door within 30 minutes! I mean...that, it pretty cool. My lazy-Sunday-self really appreciates that.
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Through dating apps, millions of people have found their perfect match.
At the very same time, there are some terrible and worrisome things that have resulted from technology:
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Suicide rates have heightened, especially in teenagers (Gen Z) who grew up with technology and social media in their middle school years.
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People are more glued to their phones, and as a result their relationships are suffering and people are learning to communicate over text message/phone vs. face-to-face.
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Our attention spans have lowered to about 8 seconds. Our brains now rely on information on our phones instead of needing to remember things on our own.
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For those who may have watched The Social Dilemma, you know that there are also even more frightening impacts of technology. Social media has threatened democracies in counties around the world, and has started playing a large role in the how divided we are in America.
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When it comes to technology and it's involvement in relationships, I think many people are already aware of how it can affect things for the worse.
Take this excerpt from book The Couple and Family Technology Framework: Intimate Relationships in a Digital Age by Hertlein and Blumer, which is an all-too-familiar experience.
“I (K. H.) was having dinner at a local restaurant with a colleague. As we sat and talked, I could not help but notice a couple sitting together at a table just behind my companion. They appeared very much in love: They spent some time holding hands, facing each other gazing in each other’s eyes, and smiling at one another a good proportion of the time. Then, as the dinner continued, I noticed the emergence of their mobile phones.
At first, the involvement of the phones seemed rather innocuous: One person brought out a phone to show his partner something, and the phone was quickly put away. As I continued to observe them, new media made an increasing presence in the date. After taking photos of the meal and making it most of the way through dinner, one of the phones made another appearance at the dinner table. One partner offered the phone to the other to view something on the screen. This continued for several minutes.
By the end of the meal, their phones had made another appearance, but in a different way. The couple stopped talking to one another; one partner was sitting at the table, and the other was positioned with her body away from the table and, consequently, her partner. Each had a cell phone in hand, and they were seemingly not engaged with one another. They both appeared to be scrolling through options and reading things on their independent screens.
This continued for several minutes, and they appeared so disconnected to me that I wondered if I had missed an argument and they were no longer speaking. After the check was paid, however, they put away their phones, smiled at one another, and left the restaurant quietly, hand in hand.”
This situation is common (both in my own relationship, and when I people-watch), and is why I think it's extremely important to lay some ground rules with your partner for how you want technology to show up in your lives.
I find all of the below items worth discussing with a partner so you are on the same page.
Some things to consider:
Are you in favor of the 'no phone at the dinner table' rule? Are there certain exceptions, or certain times it is a non-negotiable to put away?
While I have been a repeat offender of this in the past, I try hard to put my phone away when I am eating one on one with someone, especially at a restaurant. I know that I am not perfect, but if they are the only person craving your attention it feels disrespectful unless both people are on their phones (which is not very fun!). For a more casual dinner, I think it's worth discussing with your partner how you both feel about technology being involved.
Is there a certain time each night where technology should be turned off before bed so you can spend time together?
It's shown that looking at screens before bed can impact your sleep, so maybe you and your partner can use that as an excuse for putting screens away a certain amount of time before you go to bed and spend that time together.
To that point, if you're watching a TV show or movie together, are you on phones or off? Does that change with different circumstances?
Me and Nate are guilty of watching certain movies or shows and being on our phones (or maybe it's just me during soccer games, ha!), but for others we really want to watch and enjoy together without phones. Watching TV together can certainly be considered quality time, but if both parties are on their phones, maybe not so much. Talking about this with your partner can help clarify before you sit down to watch.
What social events are worthy of putting phones completely away?
This will vary by partner or relationship, but for me, I know that certain social engagements are very important for me to have phones away and be completely present. If one person has an expectation that certain events are phone-free, it is important to discuss this in advance.
Are you each willing to put your screens away for [X] amount of time per day, non-negotiable?
One of my daily habits is to put my phone away for 2 hours straight, which I just bumped up to 4 hours last week after watching The Social Dilemma. Having this time without any notifications, pings, or distractions helps me focus. Putting your phone away for [X] amount of time per day can also help you free up your mind to spend time with your partner/other relationships!
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In full transparency, technology and phone usage is something me and Nate still navigate. I mean, we are still millennials after all 😉
Technology usage an ever-changing discussion that I know we (and many others) can evolve and work on.
I've had many situations where I've been on my phone too much, and I know if either of my parents are reading this they will agree!! (Hi Mom and Dad)
But once you know better, you can do better.
Once you continue to learn more about the negative impacts of social media, you can start limit your usage.
Once you evaluate what you want the role of technology to be in your social life, you can start enforcing it.
Once you create boundaries with your partner, you can adhere to them.
So this is my nudge to have a conversation with the important people in your life of how you want technology to be involved.
Hopefully you have the opportunity to get on the same page with your partner and other loved ones before technology starts to negatively impact the relationship, not after. Take advantage!
Be proactive, not reactive! I’m rooting for you.
xx
Sarah
