Have you ever heard people say a statement like "the decision to spend your life with someone is the most important decision you will ever make"—or something along those lines?
Be it directly, or indirectly, we've picked up messaging like this that places a high emphasis on marriage, a life partner, or choosing the "right relationship."
And to the anxious-minded, or really to anyone, when we place such high emphasis on the decision to get married, or be with someone, the pressure to choose may feel like too much to bear.
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"How can I be sure I am making the right choice?"
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"Am I missing any potential red flags or signs that this may not work out?"
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"Shouldn't I just know that this person is my best match?"
I do understand why people say that choosing a life partner is an important decision.
There are of course many reasons why this makes sense, it’s just missing some additional context and nuance.
Our closest relationships do have a large affect on our wellbeing.
If we're planning to have kids, we likely hope to have a partner and teammate along for the ride with us.
Relationships have challenging times, and depending on who we are partnered up with, those challenging times may feel differently.
However, what if the "choice" or "decision" of our partner didn't have to feel like such high stakes?
Bear with me as I explain, because the other day I thought about this concept in a completely different way that felt soothing and calming, at least to me.
So of course I want to share it with you in the hopes that you feel the same.
But first, a little backstory…
Nate and I will be celebrating our five year anniversary in a couple weeks.
Five years—who woulda thunk!
Five years is a long time, and not long at all—it's all relative.
For me, it's been my longest intimate relationship, and hopefully will continue being my longest—though only time will tell.
So to me, this feels like an exciting thing to celebrate, not strictly for the years we've "achieved" being together, but for the growth we've experienced along the journey.
Yet, I know for some, five years is only a small fraction of their total love story.
The total time we've been together less important than the aha moment I had about our time together the other day.
I realized that throughout my relationship with Nate, I have made thousands of micro-decisions that pushed the relationship forward.
When we first met, I made the decision to continue getting to know him even though he lived two hours away.
When we were getting to know each other more deeply, I made decisions to be vulnerable and share meaningful things with him so we could continue connecting.
I contributed to us making small decisions over a 3-year period to continue being 'long distance' for because we both didn't feel ready to move in together yet; this also came with many logistical decisions over those years of who would be visiting one another and when.
I've made many decisions to apologize (or not apologize and be stubborn) throughout the years.
I've made many decisions of wanting the relationship to continue, even when I felt extremely anxious and uncertain about it. Those were all micro decisions that have gotten us to where we are today.
I've made many decisions to pick up relationship books, podcasts, blog articles, videos and other resources to expand my understanding of relationships, and the decisions to share the information with Nate (and others so I could continue deepening my own understanding of it).
I made the decision that I wanted to move to Sweden to support Nate in his career growth and get the opportunity to experience an exciting adventure.
I've even made a series of tiny tiny micro decisions each and every day we've been together:
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How much appreciation and gratitude will I share to Nate?
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How much am I willing to speak my mind and share my needs in this moment to Nate?
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How much am I willing to open up and share my full authentic self with Nate?
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How do I handle a challenging experience with Nate?
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How can I support Nate in this moment, or be there for him, even when I am having my own challenges?
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How can I choose to treat Nate in the moments when I am feeling hurt or upset?
All of these small decisions have contributed to our five years of being together.
And the big lightbulb moment that came to me the other day was this:
What if our choice to commit to a partner (via getting engaged, or married, for example) is not "the biggest decision we'll ever make" but just another micro-decision over the course of our relationship and life?
If Nate had proposed to me on the first night we had met, THAT would have been a huge decision to make.
It would have been very hard to make, being that I didn't know anything about him and our relationship to one another at the time.
However, as I sit here writing this five years later, if he happened to propose to me tonight, which—we're not in a rush so I doubt will happen, but let's go with it—I would feel much more confident in my answer because the decision isn't a stand-alone decision or choice.
It's a decision and choice that has five years of foundational decisions and choices beneath it, strengthening the decision.
My track record of decision-making with Nate over time has proven to me that I can trust my decisions (at least, for now).
I can't guarantee the future outcome of our relationship—no one can—but based on where we're at today, my decisions have not led me astray.
So instead of thinking of committing to him "officially" (whatever that means to you—be it in the form of an engagement, or just an internal "all-in" commitment) means that I have a huge high-stakes life-changing decision to make, I feel much better viewing it as just another decision in a series of decisions I have made in our relationship.
Because who is to say that someone who celebrates their 50-year anniversary didn't get there in the exact same way that Nate and I have in our time together: by making decisions day after day that moved them forward?
When it comes to the people in this 50-year relationship…
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I'm sure not all of their decisions would have been easy to make.
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I'm sure not all of their decisions would have been made "perfectly."
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I'm sure not all of their decisions would have been made from a place of "certainty" or confidence.
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I'm sure some of their decisions would have been made from a place of fear, anger, and disappointment.
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I'm sure some of their decisions would have been made from a place of surrendering and letting life unfold however it unfolded.
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I'm sure some of their decisions would have been hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
Just like my decisions have been over the last five years.
But, here I am, writing this feeling proud of myself, and proud of my relationship (even though there were many days, weeks, and months where I could not have said the same).
When we build up a decision to be "make or break" in our life, that comes with a huge sense of responsibility.
Yet, small, micro decisions day after day?
Those feel more manageable.
Those feel more in our control.
Those feel doable.
So—how do we implement this?
I challenge you to shift your focus from "is my partner the right person for me forever?" to "how can I choose to move my relationship forward today, if I want it to move forward?"
I challenge you to shift your focus from "how can I know this relationship will last?" to "what small decision can I make today to show love to myself or to my partner?"
I challenge you to shift your focus from "what if this thing that bothers me now will be a huge problem in the future?" to "how can I decide to embrace me and my partner's imperfections today?"
These questions (which will result in implementing small decisions) keep us much more present in what is happening TODAY.
Not what may happen tomorrow, or in the future.
And when we can keep showing up and make decisions that feel best for us minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, and month-by-month—those eventually will become year-by-year, and decade-by-decade...building up into a lifetime.
These decisions do not have to guarantee us a "successful outcome"—these decisions just have to move us forward to the next moment, where we will be met with more decisions.
Decisions, in this sense, feel like a practice.
Not something we need to get right every time, but an ability we need to tune into and continue strengthening within ourselves.
I feel pretty confident that my five years of decisions have put me in a solid relationship trajectory—and yet, I have no idea what the next five years of decisions will look like.
All I have to do, is keep showing up and see what happens (just like we all do…)
When I transitioned over to a new website, the comments of this blog post were lost. Here they are:
