“the one”

Valentines Day is coming up, and I'd be remiss if I didn't address some of the not-so-great outcomes of this holiday that can lead to disappointment.

Before I start sounding too cynical—let me clarify, my intention for this article is not to dismiss Valentines Day or hate on it.

I fully support people a holiday that celebrates love, celebrates showing appreciation and gratitude towards our partners, and celebrating time to connect and enjoy being together.

Ideally that doesn't just happen on Valentines Day, but the other days of the year we are together, too.

I'm not knocking the gestures of love, or the quality time couples often enjoy.

However, it's important to discuss how much pressure surrounds this holiday so we can be mindful heading into it, vs. after the slew of advertising and social media posts making us feel like we should have "done more" or "felt more" for our partners.

Do any of the below pressures ring true for you?

• The pressure to give or receive flowers, chocolates, enjoy a fancy dinner or staycation, and publicly show everyone on Instagram what your partner did for you.

• The pressure to feel so much love and joy towards your partner on this one specific holiday, regardless of what is going on externally in the world or with your own life.

• The pressure to have certainty about the trajectory of your relationship.

All of those pressures are worth noting, but today I wanted to focus on a fourth pressure: the messaging and language that pops up a lot around this day.

Specifically: one phrase that can trigger many with relationship anxiety (myself included, in the thick of things)—the quest to find "The One."

While there is nothing inherently "bad" or "wrong" with the phrase "The One," it's all about what we make it mean for ourselves, our partners, and the relationship.

If using/seeing this phrase makes you feel good, then keep on keeping on. I'm not here to shame anyone for something that makes them happy (so long as it's not being used to intentionally hurt others in the process).

But, that said, if using/seeing the phrase "The One" makes you feel crappy, "less than", or anxious—keep reading.

Whether we realize it, or whether it's subconscious—scrolling by hundreds of photos with captions around soulmates and "The One" can do a number on an anxious mind, and this holiday spikes comparison like nobody's business.

After seeing posts online where people have their perfect match, or soulmate—we may think to turn inward and compare someone's picture-perfect with our messy-middle:

• Is this my "soulmate"?

• Have I really found "The One"?

• Are we "perfect together"?

Here's the thing about the notion of finding "The One"

I used to think that buying into this idea was romantic.

That there is one person out there meant just for you, who can make you happier than anyone else can, make your problems go away, and complete you.

I mean, that does sound pretty romantic, right?

However, once I realized how much pressure and anxiety this caused me (and many others), I started to question this notion of "The One."

Because if a belief or thought doesn't make me feel good, I want to make sure to explore why.

Here's what I realized.

• Instead of relying on someone else to complete me, I realized it's more important to continue working on becoming the best version of ME, while also having *SOME*-One (not The One) to complement me and grow with me along the way. We as individuals are responsible for making ourselves happy, and it's disempowering to rely on someone else to do that for us. Happiness and growth can occur within a relationship, but it should not be the only source of it.

• Instead of finding "The One" and checking off a box, and being done, I realized finding a great partner is just the beginning of the potential love story. It's not the "end goal" to simply find the person. No matter how great of a fit two people are for one another, there is a still a level of necessary growth, effort and beautiful but difficult work needed to begin to create a life together. Joining forces with another unique individual takes intention, and expecting that the "right" person will make it easy is setting ourselves up for frustration.

• Instead of thinking once we have a great partner, things will be easy, I realized that great relationships take great amounts of intention. Both partners in a relationship need to continue to show up for one another and choose each other day after day. Some days, that will be much easier to do. Some days it will feel much easier to make ourselves and our partners happy, solve problems as a unit, and feel really freaking happy you found one another. But on the days where that feels harder, it doesn't mean this amazing person isn't "The One" for you. It just means you keep choosing them, and choosing your life together*. [*assumes this is a physically/emotionally safe relationship without boundaries being broken].

All of those realizations have helped me so much.

But my curiosity about the phrase "The One" didn't end there.

I was reflecting on it last week, and experienced my biggest aha moment yet.

Here is what I realized the other day...

There is another critically important reason why buying into the idea of finding "The One" can be detrimental for a relationship, and that is this:

When you buy into the idea of finding "The One" and being with "The One"—that also means that you buy into the idea that YOU have to be "The One" for someone else.

You are then the one person out there meant for your partner, who can make them happier than anyone else can, who can make their problems go away, and who can complete them.

Again, seems romantic at first.

We all want to be that person for someone.

But at what cost?

Because when you dive deeper to what that really means...

That is a lot of pressure for one person.

It takes a lot of energy and intention to make ourselves happy, to light our own soul on fire, to get through the day or week without being critical of ourselves, to solve our own problems...that in and of itself already uses up a good chunk of our resources.

Then add the pressure to do all of those things for another person, and sheesh. That is a lot to live up to if you ask me.

Here I go, getting borderline cynical again.

It may seem like I don't buy into the idea of love at all.

It may seem like I'm saying that we should not be selfless to our partners, or be their best friend and support system.

It may seem like I am taking a pessimistic lens of just how much humans are capable of feeling, and experiencing.

None of that is my intention.

My intention is to say that humans should never have the expectation of one person to be/do/give them everything.

It's disempowering. It means that if this person doesn't be/do/give us everything—we are not whole, or happy. Or vice versa, if we don't be/do/give them everything—they will not be happy.

It is giving someone our power, and them giving us theirs.

That is why I think we need to remove the phrase "The One" from our vocabulary—based on the subconscious expectations that come as a result.

It places too much pressure on ourselves and others to be perfect, to be our everything, to get it right all of the time.

Instead of Nate being "The One", I'd rather say...

• Nate is an incredible person, I am so grateful to have him in my life

• Nate is someone I am excited to grow and evolve with

• Nate complements me so well, we are a great team together

Don't those sound a little lighter, a little more carefree?

What's even more empowering is that by releasing the expectation of someone else to show up and be/do/give us everything, we can allow them to show up for us in an even more beautiful way—as themselves.

And when we pour the same energy into ourselves, first and foremost, as we do our partners, then everyone wins.

So this week, as you prepare to see the influx of Valentines Day messages—just remember: the language and messaging you buy into matters.

Just because someone else uses the phrase "The One" doesn't mean you need to feel less than, question your relationship, or envy them.

Use that as a pattern interrupt to go share something you're grateful for with your partner...

I promise, that will feel much better than a comparison spiral.

Sending hugs to you this week!