Today I want to let you in on an awesome approach to flipping around disempowering beliefs that may pop up and send us into a tizzy.
This post is inspired by Byron Katie, who is an author and founder of "The Work." Her process of dismantling big scary thoughts and bringing people into a more mindful state is very practical and something worth adding into your toolbox.
I’m going to walk through the fundamentals of The Work, then share a examples of how one could pivot some relationship anxiety thought patterns.
The Work consists of four questions:
Over to the right, you can see the four questions which make up Byron Katie’s work.
The very first step to this process is: whenever you have a thought come into your mind that is giving you unrest or causing anxiety, you can slow down and ask yourself... "is it true?"
(source of imagery: Byron Katie)
For me, when I have a thought that is causing me anxiety, it is typically because I DO believe it to be true in that moment.
More than likely, I will move directly onto step 2 in this process, which is asking "can you absolutely know that it's true?"
There are VERY FEW things in life that are absolutely, without a doubt, true. I believe Benjamin Franklin even quoted that the only things that are certain in life are death and taxes. Bearing this in mind, the answer to question number two should more than likely be... "no, I cannot absolutely know that this thought is true"
This next step is very important—really taking time to reflect and asking yourself "how do I react + what happens when I believe the thought?"
With step number three, I can only assume that if you are taking the time to go through this framework, you are not feeling like your best self when you believe the thought in your head at the time.
If you were feeling on top of the world, you would probably not need this exercise in the first place — I personally do not think I would even think to "do The Work” unless I was in a pretty negative state of mind.
Once you’ve taken the time to recognize how you react when you believe the thought, the last step in the process of The Work is thinking through "who would you be without the thought"
WOAH. Okay, now we're getting to the good stuff, y'all.
That last step is the most powerful to me because of the weight that immediately gets lifted off my shoulders when I imagine myself without the thought in the first place.
Let’s look at some examples from the point of view of someone who has relationship anxiety.
Intrusive thought: "What if my partner is not the one?"
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is it true?
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“well, it sounds pretty believable in my mind!”
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can I absolutely know that it's true?
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“no, I can't predict the future, I can't be sure”
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how do I react when I believe that thought?
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“anxious, panicked, chest feels tight, pit in stomach, stuck in my head”
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who would I be without the thought?
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“a lighter, more carefree version of me”
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Intrusive thought: "I'm a bad partner, I don't love my partner enough"
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is it true?
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“again, it sounds pretty believable in my mind!”
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can I absolutely know that it's true?
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“no, I can't be sure how my partner views me, and there is no way to measure what "loving someone enough" looks like”
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how do I react when I believe that thought?
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“guilty, insecure, disappointed in myself”
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who would I be without the thought?
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“a more accepting and shame-freee person, likely a much more loving partner”
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I mean, WOW. Comparing how you feel when you believe the thought to who you would be without the thought is really eye-opening.
This alone is very motivating for me and helps snap me out of a spiral of rumination.
Because I don't know about you, but I will take a lighter and more carefree version of myself over a guilty and disappointed version any day.
If this is the first time you're hearing about Byron Katie's work, I highly recommend checking out more of her content—she is truly life-changing! I will link to a couple of my favorites below.
xx
Sarah
Byron Katie x Marie Forleo interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lr0_afKsI8M
Byron Katie x Lewis Howes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk__I8vW3mA
