read time: 6 min
It’s my belief that one of the main reasons relationship anxiety exists at all can be boiled down to the fear of not being in the “right” relationship.
“Are they The One?” assumes there is only one relationship that can work for us.
“What if I don’t love them enough?” assumes there is a “right” level of love to have for someone.
“Am I settling?” assumes that anything less than perfect isn’t going to work.
I’ve thought all of these things before, so I know how heavy these questions can be.
In no way do I want to make light of the pain that can come as a result of experiencing doubt and confusion in your loving relationship.
Yet, if one of the main reasons relationship anxiety exists is due to fear of not being in the “right” relationship, if we eliminate the goal of being in a “right” relationship in the first place, could that allow the anxiety to dissipate as a result?
Bear with me here...
The other day on Instagram I shared a post that said: There is no “right way” to be in a relationship. And if you really let that sink in, it’s so empowering. It means you get to make your own damn rules.
This is so freeing to think about.
Instead of worrying if we’re doing love right, or doing relationships right, what if there was no “right” at all?
What if we’ve been striving for an elusive goal all along? One that can’t be defined, and is completely subjective to the person experiencing it.
Surely this would give us permission to breathe out a sigh of relief that we’ve been trying to achieve something that is damn near impossible to achieve because it’s unexplainable, or not even our own goal to begin with.
Because if there was a “right way” to be in a relationship, that would mean it was someone else making those relationship “rules.”
If there is a “right” way, that would imply there is a “wrong” way—but according to who?
Disney?
Nicholas Sparks?
Who gets to decide the proper way to fall in love, be in love, enjoy the company of another person in your life, and engage in relationship to others?
That’s what I want to know.
Coming to this realization has been one of the catalysts for me being able to appreciate my relationship as it is without as much comparison, shame, guilt, or fear.
I realized that comparing my unique relationship with Nate to other people’s was not a fair comparison, because Nate and I are two unique individuals.
I realized that having doubts about committing to someone “forever” (that’s the supposed goal, right?) was completely valid, especially for someone with an analytical mind. Once I reminded myself of my humanity, the shame slowly trickled away.
I realized that it’s okay not to be “the perfect partner” all the time, and it’s okay for Nate not to be “the perfect partner” all the time either—we’re not robots, we’re humans trying to learn how to love one another and grow together. I allowed myself to release the guilt I was carrying bit by bit (still a work-in-progress).
I realized that most of my fears were a result of thinking I was doing something wrong by not being 100% sure that Nate was The One, by not feeling attracted 24/7, by not feeling butterflies every time he walked in the room. I also realized that these fears were exactly what was preventing me from finding confidence, attraction, and excitement in the relationship in the first place. Once I allowed my fears to be there, the confidence, attraction, and excitement began to slowly come back (not permanently, but moments of them).
One of my favorite books on the topic of anxiety is First We Make the Beast Beautiful by Sarah Wilson. She has so many gems of wisdom that I took with me and related back to relationships.
One such quote is:
"One of the dear, dear things about getting older, is that it does eventually dawn on you that there is no guidebook. One day it suddenly emerges: No one bloody gets it! None of us knows what we're doing."
Followed by:
"When you realize there's no guidebook, an opportunity suddenly presents itself. If no one knows what they're doing, if there's no "right" way to do life, then we can surely choose our own way. Yes?"
These ideas are so freakin’ important…
The anxious-minded tend to want a guidebook:
If I want to guarantee a successful outcome, how should I proceed?
What are the exact steps I should take?
Is this the “good,” “right,” “best” way forward?
But even if you listen to someone else’s guidebook, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be the path forward that works best for YOU.
You, a unique human with your own needs, desires, wants, dislikes, beliefs, irritations, and preferences.
And if no one has all of the answers, this means that we get permission to experiment and find what works best for us.
Be it in how you communicate, how often you are intimate, how much time you spend together, your feelings in the relationship—whatever—you get to see what works for you.
For example, what if...
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You didn’t have to “know” (when you know you know...right?) that you’d found “The One” without some questions first.
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You didn’t have to miss your partner every time you were apart from one another.
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You didn’t have to want sex [X] number of times per week to be in a happy, fulfilled relationship.
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You didn’t have to find only one gender attractive to be in a meaningful relationship.
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You didn’t have to be with someone who was an ideal astrological match.
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You didn’t have to feel like your relationship was “easy” all the time to have a worthy partnership.
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You didn’t have to “be with your best friend.”
What then?
Would you give yourself permission to show up in your relationship with less shame, doubt, fear, guilt, comparison, or unworthiness?
Would you give yourself permission to try things (and keep trying when you don’t master it right away) and see how they work for you (and your partner(s)), before assuming they’re the only way to operate in a relationship?
Would you give yourself permission to appreciate what you DO have?
Because all of those things I listed are someone else’s rules - not yours.
Now that we’ve covered there is no right way to be in a relationship, I ask you this:
How do you want to build your ideal relationship from the ground up?
Not the “perfect” relationship with no flaws, but the one that’s sustainable and allows space for people to be human and make mistakes, then still come back together and grow?
What proverbial “rules” from society would you toss out?
What new “rules” would you add in?
What would you still need to further explore because you don’t quite know the answers? (which is okay...we don’t always need to know all of the answers to all of the questions—it’s not possible to!)
Just remember: you are the only person who gets to decide if your relationship works for you.
