When it comes to how you show up in your relationship and in your life (be it with friends, family, colleagues, or even random people out in the world)—do you find yourself more commonly setting your own tone for the interaction, or reacting to the other people around you?
For example...
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If your partner is having a bad day, are you having a bad day as a result?
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If someone cuts you off in traffic, are you instantly annoyed?
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If the cashier is being short or rude with you, do you feel irritated for the next few hours?
Setting the tone for your interactions and day vs. being reactive to others around you has many benefits.
But first, let me give you a fantastic analogy I heard from Jim Kwik on a podcast to explain this.
He says that he always tries to live like being more like a thermostat, not a thermometer.
Why?
Because a thermostat sets the conditions (temperature) of the room, meanwhile a thermometer is reactive to the conditions (temperature) around it.
I thought that was so. dang. good!
So why is this important?
I believe that if we're constantly living our life responding to situations or people around us, we'll be all over the place.
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Yes, it's important to feel whatever feelings come up, and decide how to handle them.
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Yes, it's important not to numb out and just live life on autopilot.
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Yes, it's important to allow the natural ebbs and flows of day-to-day life happen and acknowledge them.
But where it gets tricky is if we let situations and people have complete and total control over our moods, feelings, emotions, or actions.
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If we completely adjust our mood based on our partner's.
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If we let the person cutting us off in traffic (15 seconds of our day) affect the rest of our day.
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If we allow circumstances out of our control to completely throw us off our game.
All of these things lead us to unintentionally be a victim in our life's circumstances, instead of someone who leads and takes ownership.
With relationship anxiety, this is important because we must learn how to work through our emotions on our own, and learn how to soothe ourselves when inevitable things or fears try to throw us off our game throughout the day or week.
Instead of being a thermometer (the one who is reactive to external conditions), it is very beneficial to be a thermostat (the one who sets the external conditions).
So, how does one be more like a thermostat, you may ask?
By deciding how you are going to show up, regardless of how other people act, and regardless of what situation unfolds.
We can control so little in our lives; we can't control the weather, we can't control what other people say, do, think, we can't control the future—but we can control what we say, how we say it, and how we show up in response to the circumstances/conditions around us.
So, let me give you a few examples of how to show up more like a thermostat than a thermometer in day-to-day situations.
First thing in the morning
A thermometer wakes up and instantly checks email, text messages, and social media—this causes them to instantly becomes reactive to someone else's agenda. Checking email, text, or social media first thing in the morning is pretty much a 50/50 chance of seeing something stressful. Yes, there may be a nice good-morning text awaiting from a loved one, but there also may be a deadline, a cute couple posting on Instagram that causes comparison, and/or some bad national news circulating around that can throw off the rest of your mood for the day.
Meanwhile, a thermostat wakes up and gives themself screen-free-time to relax, recharge, and ease into the day. Whether this is 15 minutes of 1 hour, trying to start the day with something from the following list: making the bed, meditating, reading, journaling, stretching, movement, or drinking a full glass of water, getting organized for the day allows. This allows them to start the day feeling like productive, and like there was a small win under their belt related to mental health. Coming from this more grounded place will likely result in a less reactive response to the same notifications that would have caused more anxiety first-thing in the morning.
Personal note: I start my days screen-free many days as possible throughout the week and notice a huge difference from when I start my day with my phone vs. without.
Having an important conversation with your partner
A thermometer allows the conversation to happen off the cuff, without planning. They do not get grounded prior to the conversation, get swept up in defensiveness or reactivity when their partner does not say the perfect thing, ends up meeting defensiveness with more defensiveness, anger with more anger, and regrets having the conversation shortly after it happens.
Meanwhile, thermostat thinks ahead. They ask their partner if now is a good time to have the conversation prior to jumping right in, go into the conversation with the desire to remain calm, listen, and understand one another, stay level-headed so as not to emotionally charge up the conversation, ask for a break to regroup and come back to the conversation if emotions start running high, and has thought about the main hurts/pains or discussion points prior to the conversation to stay on track. They use this important conversation to connect more deeply with their partner.
When your partner is having a bad day
A thermometer starts getting anxious or frustrated right alongside their partner, gets sucked into complaining about something in their day too (even when their day was pretty good all things considered) and/or ends up being resentful of the mood being "brought down." A thermometer lets a bad day affect the rest of the evening and goes to bed annoyed and tired.
Meanwhile, a thermostat listens to their partner without taking on their emotions or needing to "fix" or "change" the situation, asks if there is anything they can do to help support them and listens, tells them lovingly that they will be there to listen and support them for [X minutes] but will not take on their bad day, chooses to go out for a walk after listening to partner, and/or excuses themself to read, do an activity, and/or ground themself after in order to make sure the mood has not rubbed off.
These are just a few examples which come up in my own life and/or things that seem fairly common to life/relationships.
When all is said and done, if we live our life as a thermometer, we will be on a rollercoaster.
I mean, to be fair, sometimes even as I try to intentionally live from the place of a thermostat, my emotions can still feel like a rollercoster.
But, that's even more of a reason to aim for being more like a thermostat and having some level of control over your emotions.
Being at the mercy of other people's moods, actions, experiences, etc. is a sure-fire way to feel frustrated, resentful, and anxious.
Whereas taking ownership of your own moods, actions, experiences, etc. will ensure that you are intentionally showing up in your life and relationships.
It's not always going to be perfect, but training yourself to be more of a thermostat than a thermometer will reap many rewards.
What do you think of this analogy? How will you plan to start acting more like a thermostat in your day-to-day?
