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Have you ever said something you regret when you were in a relationship anxiety/ROCD “spike”?
Maybe it was to your partner directly — telling them the intimate details of “the ick” you were experiencing, even if it had to do with them directly.
Maybe it was to a family member or friend — who then became confused and thought that you should leave the relationship because “you clearly don’t love them if you’re thinking like that.”
Whatever the situation was, it can cause a lot of guilt.
A community member once shared: “one thing that still bothers me quite a bit is when I think of things I’ve said to friends/family when my relationship anxiety/rOCD was really bad. I have a hard time trying to not only forgive myself but also explain to friends and family about past things I’ve said was due to rOCD/RA.”
Let’s talk about this; both how to forgive yourself, and then how to explain or discuss with your partner, friends, and/or family.
Forgiving yourself for things you’ve said in a spike:
First, let me start with sharing something that may feel somewhat obvious, but is actually very hard to implement.
You can’t change whatever was said or done in your past, all you can do is learn from it and move forward.
I know, I know... sucks how it’s not so easy to magically “forget” something that is causing us guilt or shame.
Our minds are hard-wired to hold onto negative memories more than positive ones, mainly for self-protection.
We don’t want to go through something painful again, so our brain holds onto the memory juuuust in case we need it to shield ourselves from future pain and hurt.
And yet, all that holding onto the memory does is make us feel bad, it doesn’t change what has happened already, and it doesn’t help us move forward from a place of acceptance.
Quite the opposite, it’s a place of resistance: “I shouldn’t have done that, and I need to be careful moving forward.”
So how can we practice implementing this?
Spend some time reflecting on what you learned from the situation.
How do you wish you showed up, and what can you do differently the next time a similar situation arises? Journal on it or think it through. And then put together a plan next time something similar comes up.
Ex: “Last time I was in an anxiety spike, I called my parents, but they don’t understand what I am going through and ended up triggering me further and now they think I’m not happy in my relationship. Next time I’m in a similar position, I am going to reach out to my best friend who gets me, or practice regulating my nervous system by breathing before I reach out to talk to someone.”
Second, it will be beneficial to bring forth some compassion for the state of mind (and body) you were in during this spike.
It’s more than likely that in the triggered state, you were in fight, flight, or freeze mode, the rational part of your brain was not firing as strongly, and you were overwhelmed mentally and physically (tight chest, stomach pain, racing heart, etc.)
In this state, we’re not using logic. We’re not calm, cool, or collected.
So instead of shaming yourself, how can you choose to look back on that version of yourself with a bit of compassion?
Humans are not machines, we’re people with emotions and a very intricate nervous system that automatically jumps into action when we feel threatened or overwhelmed.
Remind yourself that you didn’t “fail to control yourself”—you simply were in a heightened, anxious state.
Lastly, it may be worth examining what meaning you’ve given to the spike + the things you said in the spike.
For example, did you make it mean that you’re a “bad partner”? Or maybe that you are “mean”? Or maybe that people are judging you and your relationship?
Is that meaning 100% truth, or is it your own narrative?
Poke holes in the meaning you’ve created from this event and re-write the meaning if needed.
“I’m a bad partner” can become “I’m human, and I was overwhelmed. I can learn from this and move forward.”
“Explaining yourself” to partner, family or friends:
Next, let’s discuss another piece of the “aftermath” of a relationship anxiety spike; how to communicate with your partner, family, or friends who were involved.
I have a few thoughts when it comes to this.
First, a lesson we can learn from what we’ve shared during a relationship anxiety/ROCD spike is who we feel comfortable opening up to in that way.
It’s worth taking some time to think carefully about who we speak to in that vulnerable state, and how we present the topic.
There are certain people in our life who will just simply not “get it.”
And one step beyond that, there may be people who not only don’t get it, but are not empathetic or compassionate to your situation, and may even chime in with triggering commentary or projections of their own life onto your situation.
We get to decide who we talk to about our experience, and it’s worth asking who in our life gets to have the privilege of hearing our intimate thoughts and feelings.
And once we’ve decided WHO gets to hear this, we should also reflect on HOW we want to bring up these topics.
It’s very different to talk to a partner, family member, or friend and say: “Omg, I’m not sure I love you/them anymore, and I have no idea what to do...” as compared with “I am experiencing relationship anxiety/ROCD which causes me to doubt and question my loving relationship, and I am feeling overwhelmed. From what I’ve learned about this, I don’t think it’s actually related to my relationship* (*assumes loving safe relationship), but it’s very convincing today. Can you talk to me more and help me regulate?”
The way we present a topic can absolutely influence the conversation, which leads me to the second point I want to make: people follow our lead.
If we come into a conversation seeking someone to tell us we should stay in our relationship, and we bring a scared energy of “Idk what to do, help help help” — the person will likely want to help us and support us (even if to them, that means saying “maybe this relationship isn’t for you if you’re this anxious...”).
However, if we say “I love my partner, I want this to work, but I’m having negative thoughts that say the opposite. I feel scared, and I would love your support as I work through this anxiety,” that may help set the stage for a much more supportive conversation.
Which then leads me to my third point:
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Use the guilt you’re feeling about previous actions made in a spike to help you move forward in a way that helps you grow.
This may involve setting boundaries with yourself and others.
Self: what do you want to do differently moving forward, and how can you set some guardrails around that?
Ex: “I will not talk to someone about my relationship until I have self-soothed for 15 minutes,” or “I will journal my feelings before I talk to someone else.”
Others: what boundaries do you need to set in relation to others?
Ex: “I will not talk to [this person] because it always ends up making me feel worse, not better,” or “If you bring up my relationship anxiety/ROCD, I will end the conversation.”
Just remember, my loves:
You are human.
It’s okay to make mistakes, not handle something perfectly, or even do something embarrassing.
It’s all a part of life.
How you move forward from it is what counts...
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