"The point of the unknown isn't to finally figure it out and get clarity...it's to learn how to trust ourselves in the midst."
— Lisa Olivera
Have you ever thought to yourself "if I could just know for sure that my relationship will work out...then I would be happy"?
If so, you're in good company.
It's one of the first things my clients typically say to me or ask about.
And I was right there with you, desperately trying to "figure out" my relationship.
-
Figure out if Nate was 'The One.'
-
Figure out if we were compatible enough.
-
Figure out if I loved him enough.
-
Figure out if we'd grow apart.
-
Figure out if we'd break up in the future based on current patterns.
But the funny (and frustrating) thing about the unknown is that it's exactly as the name suggests: not. known.
-
It's not known for sure if someone is 'The One' until you've lived a full lifetime with them by your side.
-
It's not known for sure if you're compatible enough, because you have to continue existing alongside one another and moving through conflicts to find that out.
-
It's not known for sure if you love someone "enough" because there is no measuring stick for love, and it's completely subjective.
-
It's not known for sure if you will grow apart with someone...until you find yourselves growing apart with no desire to reconnect. (which, btw, I don't think just happens overnight, and you can make the choice to try and reconnect no matter how disconnected you feel)
-
It's not known for sure if you will break up with someone in the future based on current patterns, because, well, the future is not happening yet. You can make an assumption, but you know what they say about assumptions...
All of this to say, I deeply love the quote I shared from Lisa Olivera above, where she says "The point of the unknown isn't to finally figure it out and get clarity...it's to learn how to trust ourselves in the midst."
The quote feels like it has two main messages:
-
"Figuring it out" and "getting clarity" is not the point of the unknown
-
Learning how to trust ourselves in the midst of the unknown/uncertain moments is a superpower
Let's discuss.
"Figuring it out" and "getting clarity" is not the point of the unknown
Speaking from personal experience—trying to figure things out all the time is exhausting.
-
Constantly wanting to know why I feel a certain way
-
Wondering why things have happened the way they have
-
Reflecting on how my parents and early childhood have influenced me
-
Hyper-focusing on my behaviors and habits
-
Thinking about why the world seems to have so much pain in it these days
-
Asking hard questions like "why I am anxious", "why isn't love like in the movies", "when will I feel more secure about finances", "when will I stop letting random internet trolls get to me"
-
Needing to know why I am reacting a certain way, even when I don't always know the answer
The list goes on.
I'm a curious person, and I love that about myself.
I also can be too curious—constantly looking for answers that I may never have, and quite honestly, don't really need.
Ultimately, trying to answer these questions is a sneaky way to try and gain control. Aka—needing certainty to feel like I have more control over my life.
I've discussed this before in past blogs and on Instagram, but we don't have as much control over our lives as we think.
We can control our actions, our reactions, our decisions, and our emotional state (with some practice...)—and that's about it.
We can't control our partners, our families, our coworkers, the state of the world, what a mean internet troll says, etc.
We can think about the future 24/7, and something STILL may come out of the woodwork and shock us all (think: Covid-19).
And because that's true, I believe it's important to strike a balance of having a vision or direction for the future, but not getting stuck in the exact details.
So, how does this have to do with relationships?
Instead of trying to figure out if your partner is 'The One,' if you're compatible enough, if you love them enough, if you will grow apart, or if you will break up in the future, try to focus on what's happening right now.
What is pulling you forward to stay in this relationship today? (there must be at least one reason, or else you would not be in the relationship...am I right?)
What is one thing you appreciate about your partner today?
Do you have love in your heart for this person today? (and if your anxiety is screaming "no!!"—try to remember times you did feel that love or admiration)
What are compatibilities you have today, within the relationship?
These questions (in my opinion) can help you get a great sense of what the future of your relationship could look like.
Because if there are reasons to stay today, if you can find appreciation and love in your heart for this person today, and if you have compatibilities today—you have some key ingredients for a future relationship.
It doesn't guarantee anything, but it's a start.
And all of this isn't saying to throw out any anxieties or frustrations you may be experiencing today, either.
Because it's important to do your due diligence and have conversations with your partner about their life vision and their values and how they plan to show up in this relationship.
It's important to gain awareness of areas in the relationship where you may have problems and discuss how you may be able to work on these (bearing in mind that according to the Gottman Institute, 99% of relationship problems are recurring—so you're not unique in having relationship problems).
It's important to make sure that you can envision this person fitting into your life in some way (even if you don't know what the future holds (because no one can), thinking that you'd enjoy this person being in your life if you can learn to move through the anxiety).
AND.
It's also important not to let the "what if's" of the future mess with your present.
It's absolutely possible to grow more in love over the course of your relationship, even if right now it feels impossible.
It's absolutely possible to learn to appreciate your partners differences, even if right now they cause you to panic.
It's absolutely possible to find compromise and middle ground in your relationship, even if right now it feels like you either have to stay and live with the anxiety forever, or leave.
So let's stop trying to figure out the unknown.
Let's let the unknown be the unknown, and instead learn to trust ourselves in the midst of the unknown.
Which leads me to the second part of the quote I wanted to discuss...
Learning how to trust ourselves in the midst of the unknown/uncertain moments is a superpower
What would it look like to trust that you can handle whatever life throws your way?
Or to trust that you're going to be okay?
Or to trust that you're actually a heck of a lot stronger and braver thank you think?
You've gotten to where you are today, haven't you?
Despite the curveballs that have been thrown your way, or the hard times, or the uncertain phases in your life—you are still here.
That has to count for something.
I read a quote once that said "you have survived 100% of your hardest days."
I love that.
And even if your self-trust levels are lower than you'd like, or you've made mistakes in the past (cheers to being human), or if you aren't always confident in your choices—you have made it this far.
I don't always trust myself to make the right decision, and yet, I still trust myself to:
-
learn the lessons I'm meant to learn as a result of me making choices I've made and will make
-
find a solution if I'm having a problem
-
reach out for support if I'm having a hard time
-
grow through the happy AND hard seasons of my life
-
show up for life and do my best
Trusting yourself during the unknown doesn't mean you have all the answers.
It means you are showing up and doing your best.
So take some of that pressure off yourself to have life figured out, my friend.
We're all just winging it, after all...
