With the holiday season approaching, I was reflecting on two ideas that are equally true and relevant to remember, and yet are opposing in nature.
Holding space for two opposing ideas at once can be tough for the anxious mind that loves absolutes and all-or-nothing concepts.
Yet, it's pretty cool to remember that two things can be true at the same time, and still contradict one another.
The reason I wanted to highlight both of these opposing ideas is because I believe that holding space for both of them could be what helps us navigate the holidays in a more mindful way, something I think we can all agree would be beneficial.
So without further ado, here they are:
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Gratitude is a practice, not an attitude.
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It's important to allow for our full spectrum of feelings during the holidays, not just the "positive" feelings.
Gratitude is a practice, not an attitude.
During Thanksgiving week (for those who celebrate), or really, during the entire holiday season, there is a push to practice 'giving thanks' and showing appreciation for what you have.
Regardless of how grateful we feel, we're almost expected to have heaps of gratitude right around the holidays each year.
We are not only expected to give and receive physical gifts, but reflect on the experiences and people in our life who feel like gifts, too.
We may see captions on social media such as "every day with you is a gift" (real caption I saw a couple months ago).
And we may ask ourselves "does every day with our partner feel like a gift? crap..."
But here's the thing about finding appreciation and gratitude.
We think that we should have an "attitude of gratitude," when really gratitude is a practice.
This concept of gratitude being a practice not an attitude comes from Brené Brown, who truly is a gift to this world.
Basically, what this means is that instead of magically waking up each day and life feeling like a gift, our relationship feeling like a gift, or our partner feeling like a gift—we have to practice looking for the ways in which they are gifts.
Usually, when you look for something, you can find it (whether you're looking for the 'positives' or the 'negatives'—somehow you seem to find them).
By asking yourself:
"How is my life a gift today?"
"How is my partner a gift today?"
"How is my relationship a gift today?"
...or other similar questions [insert any category here (work, family, etc.)], you can start to practice seeking out gratitude and appreciation, instead of hoping it simply comes to you.
And the smaller the gratitude, the more meaningful, I'd say.
Sure, it's great to have gratitude for a huge life moment, but the little things that add up day by day? That leads to a lifetime of gratitude.
Like the way Nate tucks my sheets in behind me so I feel extra cozy, or the way that he says "I'm so proud of you" whenever I share something cool in my business, or the way he makes me laugh.
Those small but mighty things ARE gifts, and I'm grateful for each of them.
However, those moments can easily pass me by in the day if I don't stop to show appreciation for them.
Brené Brown also says that based on her research, she has found that "it's not joyful people who are grateful, it's grateful people who are joyful."
This means that the cause of joy in our life is actually through being grateful for what we have, and that being joyful is deeply linked with being grateful. So when things in your life are feeling less joyful, it may be as a result of lacking a gratitude practice.
And lastly, I also want to acknowledge that allowing yourself to experience gratitude is not easy. It's very vulnerable. It takes courage.
Brené says that it can be just as scary to experience joy and gratitude as it is to experience pain and hurt, because that means we have something to lose and the other shoe may drop (her concept called "foreboding joy").
So in summary, gratitude doesn't just magically appear. It's a practice that takes intentional effort, and isn't necessarily easy either!
But, you know what else isn't easy?
Feeling crappy about our partner, relationship, and life.
So, I challenge you to join me starting today:
Pull out a journal or note in your phone and write at least one way your life, family, or partner is a gift—and repeat that again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.
It doesn't have to be a big thing, the little things add up.
Now—with all of this said, here's the part where I want you to also expand your mind for a second to hold an opposing idea at the same time:
It's important to allow for our full spectrum of feelings during the holidays, not just the "positive" feelings.
I just told you the importance of practicing gratitude.
AND.
I also know just how important it is to allow the full spectrum of feelings over the holiday season to be there (and in any season of life).
Sheryl Paul has a great quote about this in her book The Wisdom of Anxiety (which, I highly recommend, by the way!) that says:
"Whenever we expect to feel a certain way (blissful, connected, happy), the other emotions inside us clamor for attention until we break down in some form."
This means that if we are heading into the holiday season telling ourselves that it should be a magical, perfect, loving, memorable time in our lives—that doesn't leave much room for some of the other very real and valid feelings that may arise.
Feelings like disappointment, sadness, grief, fear, loneliness, resentment, or whatever other feelings are coming up for you.
The holidays are times where we can miss family members who are no longer with us, grieve older versions of family units that are no longer connected in the same way, feel disappointment when we have expectations that are not met for some reason or another.
The holidays are times where we see a ton of engagements taking place, with social media posts saying "I'm so thankful I found my soulmate!" and "I've always known we'd end up together!" which can send the anxious mind into a tizzy of comparison and uncertainty.
The holidays are times where we often spend a lot of time with people we're close to (be it friends, family, partners), and when we're doing things in excess (a lot of food, drinks, events, etc.) which can lead to less time to reconnect to self and more opportunities to feel irritated.
As much joy and gratitude that the holidays CAN bring, there are also very real and very valid experiences that feel like quite the opposite of joy and gratitude.
And if we don't make space for those to be there, too, we're going to feel really let down.
This is why expectations are tricky.
When we have a picture painted of how we expect something to be, it can feel really disappointing when it doesn't go according to plan.
So I propose a different way of approaching the holidays (and life in general):
Expect the unexpected.
Expect an unexpected range of feelings to come up throughout the holiday season, and throughout life.
Expect unexpected plans to occur, or get canceled, or to spontaneously present themselves.
Expect unexpected conversations with family members, your partners, your friends, your colleagues.
Expect unexpected global news to pop up.
Expect unexpected quality and quantity of gifts.
Expect unexpected memories, both positive and negative.
Because life is all about the unexpected.
Beyond this present moment, as I sit here and type this blog post, I have no idea what is in store for me today.
I have a guess...
I THINK I am headed to my workout class, finishing up my Weekly Three newsletter and sending it out, having three private client meetings, creating social media posts, and having dinner with Nate.
But all of those things aren't guaranteed until they happen.
So if we can open our minds a bit beyond our plans, our specific to-do lists, our ideal feelings, our ideal experiences, and our ideal LIFE—we may just be able to be a little more flexible to the way life really is going, vs. how we think life SHOULD be going.
And letting go of how life "should be" to create room for how life is can be key to reducing anxiety.
I just explained more about these two contradicting ideas that are both true during the holiday season (and really, always):
1 - Gratitude is a practice, not an attitude.
2 - It's important to allow for our full spectrum of feelings during the holidays, not just the "positive" feelings.
And to make a long story short: while gratitude is a practice and not an attitude, which I believe is an important practice that can add more joy and fulfillment into your life, I also want you to balance that out with feeling your feelings, the full spectrum of them.
When you notice the grief, the disappointment, the fear come in—honor the feelings.
Allow them to be there. Comfort them.
Give them what they need in that moment to feel heard, and seen.
Practice caring for yourself like you would a dear friend or family member.
You may find that by allowing these feelings to be seen and heard, they will pass through more quickly than when you try to shove them down, resist them, or pretend they're not there.
And once they have been acknowledged, you may consider practicing gratitude for the things you do have, even despite the hard things that are also present.
Because we can be equally disappointed that we are splitting Christmas between two parents while also extremely grateful that we have strong relationships with our parents who are both healthy and here to celebrate with in the first place.
We can be equally anxious when we see a slew of engagement posts over the holiday season, while also extremely grateful that we have a partner who supports us during moments of feeling anxious.
We can be equally sad that we've lost touch with someone in our life during this time of year, while also extremely grateful for the connections we've gained or the people who do prioritize us.
There's room for it all.
And leaving room for it all is expansive, not limiting.
We only limit ourselves when we put ourselves in a box and expect things to be one exact way.
Leaving room for things to be as they are—now that, is powerful…
I’m wishing you all a lovely start to the holiday season, however and wherever you celebrate…sending a love of love 💕
