Do you ever catch yourself feeling happy—like, really happy?
I'm talking actually noticing the happiness when you're in the middle of it vs. after the fact.
For me, these moments are rare, but when they happen, I feel grateful.
I'm usually guilty of looking back after a very happy moment and realizing how good I had/have it, but I don't always catch it as it is happening.
Yesterday was different.
Nate and I just spent a week apart after being together almost every day for the last few months, and we were finally back in the same place.
We were being playful, energetic and extra loving towards one another yesterday.
We were celebrating the big + small wins we had throughout the workday together.
We were getting excited about major life plans we have coming up together.
We hugged extra tight at the end of the day—and I just felt plain, old, HAPPY.
It felt really good.
I'm celebrating and cherishing those moments because I am proud of myself for intentionally trying to be more present and appreciate the little things in my relationship.
But, there's a "but"...
I loved these moments of happiness yesterday, BUT, I also felt a small wave of anxiety come over me once I brought the happy moments into my awareness.
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"what if these moments of happiness aren't consistent in our future"
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"I have something so special, but that means I have something special to lose"
It's 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' syndrome.
It's the fear of feeling TOO happy, because...well, there’s no way this can “last”.
Also, why should *I* get to feel so happy when there's crappy things going on in the world right now…
Why should I feel so happy when other people are experiencing injustices, are sick with covid, or are out of work?
These are the thoughts that came over me and made me stop and think.
But, then I realized—there's ANOTHER "but"...
Just because these things are happening does not mean that I need to feel UN-happy 24/7. I can be angry or upset or anxious about the state of the world AND let myself be happy in my relationship.
I can be afraid of the other shoe dropping for a moment, AND then remind myself to continue soaking in the happy moment.
I am allowed to feel happy.
I am allowed to feel happy.
I am allowed to feel happy.
I'm writing this as a formal way to call myself out so I can work on this.
This whole “allowing myself to feel happy” thing.
Because it's okay to feel freaking happy and actually let it happen without adding a “what if…” after.
It’s okay to experience the good things happening this year, even though there have been a lot of bad things, too.
It’s okay.
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The fascinating thing about happiness to me is that it’s just another feeling. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it goes.
There are both good and bad feelings that must be experienced to appreciate the others.
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Happiness and sadness are two sides of the same coin.
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Love and fear are two sides of the same coin.
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Joy and grief are two sides of the same coin.
We must know the bad feelings to appreciate the good ones.
Then it hit me…
While I need to appreciate both sides of these ‘coins,’ I do not need to PLAN for them to enter my life. I do not need to be on the look-out for sadness, fear, or grief to come when I am in a happy, loving and joyful moment…
I can allow the happy feelings to come and simply soak them all in and honor them.
And if you're reading this—so can you.
I hope you can catch yourself feeling happy for a moment today.
Even if it is just for a split second.
