read time: 4 min
Do you ever feel like you and your partner don’t quite “get” each other?
Maybe you feel like you’re on ever-so-slightly different pages.
Maybe you wish they could better understand how you’re feeling and why.
Maybe you crave feeling more seen by them, and maybe you crave understanding them more.
Regardless, know you are not alone in this.
Recently, someone shared this with me:
“My biggest anxiety is that our relationship isn't intimate enough emotionally. I don't feel like he "gets me," I don't know if I "get him" either. I can't shake this feeling because I've been with other partners in the past who I have emotionally connected with very intimately.”
The subtext of this statement is: I want someone to fully know my inner world, and for me to know theirs.
Another subtext of this statement may be: I don’t want to have to “work” to make this happen, I want it to be natural.
Now, the second one I made up—I am only assuming here.
But, whether it’s my private coaching clients, in group coaching, people commenting on social media, (or myself back in the thick of my anxiety), it seems like there is a common expectation within our romantic relationships:
“We should “get each other” right away (and we should ALWAYS get each other, no misunderstandings) and that makes the relationship “right.””
If not, or if we happen to have to put in some work to understand one another better (or clear up misunderstandings), we think that’s “wrong,” or “bad.”
And I think there is a sliver of truth to this, but also a lot of myth:
Yes, it feels so good when we feel emotionally connected to someone right away and choose to continue deepening that connection.
Yes, emotional connection is an important pillar of a relationship for many people.
Yes, it’s nice when there are not misunderstandings with someone you care about.
No, emotional connection isn’t either “there” or “not there,”—it can be built.
No, “getting each other” isn’t the only pillar of emotional connection there is, there is listening, showing support, being curious, and more.
No, emotional connection doesn’t come without some effort + vulnerability.
No, emotional connection isn’t “permanent”—it can ebb and flow, there can be periods of connection and disconnection.
No, we should not expect to be in a relationship without having misunderstandings come up.
I mentioned in a recent blog post that I am currently reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg.
There’s a funny part of the book where he shares an example of what many people expect out of their partners or lovers:
“If I really reflect upon what I am requesting when I asked to be loved, I suppose I want you to guess what I want before I am even aware of it. And then I want you to always do it.”
In some senses, this feels to me like what we want when we want someone to “get us.”
Maybe it’s an extreme example, but I find it to be true for myself.
And here’s my response to that:
We’re dating a unique human who grew up completely differently than we did.
They will have a different set of beliefs, behaviors, actions, reactions, thoughts, values, lifestyle factors, boundaries, and more.
They live from a completely different frame of reference than we do.
It’s going to take time (and it should be expected to take time!) to learn/teach (and continue learning/teaching over and over again) about each other.
Heck, I even think it’s the work of a lifetime to try and be seen and known by another person fully.
So how do we continue to build emotional connection and “getting each other” more and more?
We share each other’s inner worlds.
We share feelings.
We ask questions, and listen openly to the answers.
We seek to understand before trying to be understood.
We stay open-minded and open-hearted.
Sure, it may feel nice when we sense we are emotionally connected to someone right off the bat—but I’m here for the slow burn kind of love where I trust that I have all the time in the world to continue “getting” Nate, and him to get me.
So I leave you with these questions when considering if you and your partner “get each other”:
Is this someone you desire to become emotionally connected to, even if it doesn’t feel “perfect” right now?
Do you see room to grow more emotionally connected over time? (is there a willingness on both sides to do so)
Are you expecting to “get” each other without leaning in and doing the work to make that happen?
Rooting for you…my friends!
Disclaimer: if you feel like your partner is not willing or able to share parts of themselves emotionally, that may be a different story.
It can take some time for someone to feel able to trust and be vulnerable, sure, but if you feel like you’re desperately trying to “get” someone and they will not share anything—this blog post may not apply.
As always, my content does not apply to abusive relationships.
