What is a boundary and how do you set one effectively?
I’m so glad you asked!
Boundaries seem to be a buzzword these days.
And it’s great that it’s become more prevalent to talk boundaries, however, I notice a lot of mixed information swirling around.
It feels like we hear information from people on either extremes: those who have really strong boundaries and are “un-fuck-with-able,” or those who have no boundaries at all and are on the quest to build them.
Today, I want to focus in on more of a middle-ground area where most of us probably live, and that is having certain boundaries that could use some tightening up and reinforcing, but not turning so boundaried that we become inflexible.
Let’s start by examining what boundaries are, and what they are not.
Boundaries are acts of self love, self worth, and even self-protection that are in your control.
Boundaries are not a way to change or control someone’s behavior, because we can only control ours. This is an important distinction to make (and I will share examples of the differences between the two coming up!).
Boundaries are clear and respectful.
Boundaries are not unclear and said disrespectfully (we can still be extremely direct and assertive without disrespecting someone).
Boundaries are a way to expand relationships, not add limits.
Boundaries are not controlling and rigid (even if we worry they are!). According to the Gottman Institute, "Setting boundaries gives your relationship(s) more freedom and security, not less."
Boundaries are compassionate and respectful (to yourself and others).
Boundaries are not separation and division. According to Brené Brown, the most compassionate people she interviewed were the most boundaried, and withholding from setting boundaries leads to being resentful in our relationships. She says "Boundaries are frickin' important. They're not fake walls, they're not separation, boundaries are not division, they are respect. They are here's what's ok for me and here's what's not."
Boundaries are authentic to you and rooted in your values.
Boundaries are not based on what you think you “should do” to keep up with others.
Next, let’s go over examples of how to set boundaries.
I saw an excellent boundary “pro tip” from @thetruthdoctor on TikTok, and she said when setting boundaries (especially in relationship to others), it’s helpful to use “If you, then I” statements.
A few examples...
Intimate relationship example:
An example of a way to set a boundary would look like you saying to a partner "If you raise your voice or call me names, then I will excuse myself for a 20-minute break from the conversation,” and not "You're not allowed to raise your voice or call me names.”
You’ll notice by using the “if you, then I” statement, this helps keep the boundary to be something in your control.
I used this example intentionally so I could note that if boundaries are consistently and/or intentionally being broken after you've set them (in any relationship), that is valuable information to pay attention to. My content does not apply to those in abusive relationships, so please notice if you have relationships where boundaries are not respected.
Family example:
A way to set a boundary would be telling family members "If you continue to make hurtful comments about my relationship, then I will no longer come over to your house,” and not "You're not allowed to make comments about my relationship, period."
You CAN say they are not allowed to make the comments, but it may not be as effective because it's out of your control whether they follow through or not. What is in your control is deciding to go over to their house, or not.
Now, for a work example:
"If you email me past 6pm, then I will reply tomorrow morning at 9am” is more effective than "you're not allowed to message me past end of day” (and feels much less scary to say, am I right?!).
There is another category of boundary that I find to be very important in my life, and that is energetic boundaries.
When we set and maintain energetic boundaries for ourselves, we can show up in our life and in our relationships from a place of self-respect, and not from a place of feeling burnt out and exhausted.
Energetic boundaries could look like:
"I log off of social media at 8pm and do not check it again before bed.”
"I will leave the get together at 10pm so I can get a good night's sleep.”
As you can see, many times energetic boundaries are not in relation to another person, but rather something you maintain for yourself (and a great way to build up levels of self-trust and self-worth when sticking to these).
Exercise (optional): get out those journals and reflect on what energetic boundaries you want to set for the next few weeks. Pick one that you think will be most effective and try it out!
Now that we’ve covered what boundaries are and how to set them (in relation to others and for ourselves), let’s talk about ways to strengthen the implementation of boundaries.
Here are some factors to consider when it comes to boundary implementation, and how to make it more successful.
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Knowing your needs + limits helps you set boundaries around them. If you don’t have a sense of what your needs + limits are, how can you communicate them to others? This means paying attention in your life and deciding what is okay and what is not okay. Only you can decide that.
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Once you know the needs + limits you have, ask for them to be met from a considerate place. It’s much more impactful to explain a need of ours and then ask "would you be willing to meet this need" vs. saying "I need you to meet this need" and assuming our partner or whoever else has the capacity to meet it.
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People can't meet our needs if we don't ask, period. There is a great Mastin Kipp quote where he says "Expecting a need to be met without asking is like expecting a waiter to bring food you never ordered." Our partners, family members, friends, and colleagues are not mind-readers. Speak up! (when it’s safe to do so).
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We think boundaries are "set it and forget it" but they are discussions, and may need to be repeated. We’re human, so it’s natural that our boundaries may evolve over time, or we may need to continue clarifying our boundaries to people in our life who haven’t been used to them being set. Of course, this doesn’t mean let someone walk all over you, but boundaries can be a discussion and evolve over time.
With all of this said, what do you do if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries or treats you differently as a result?
There’s a saying that "The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.”
Taking that in mind, it’s still scary to set boundaries, especially in relationships that we value.
On Glennon Doyle's podcast We Can Do Hard Things, she shares that "The hard part is not setting a boundary, the hard part is withstanding whatever happens next, being okay with the outcome, and that is usually people having feelings about it.”
Additionally, she shares that "When we set a boundary, other people may have perceptions of us. Our business is the boundary, our business is not other people's perception or definition of that boundary" and that "We are so obsessed with being liked that we take it as a sign we did something wrong if someone is upset with us for our boundary."
As a recovering people-pleaser, I know it feels scary to set a boundary and withstand whatever happens next.
However, we also need to ask ourselves what is the cost of us not being sturdy in our boundaries.
If we are disappointing ourselves to avoid disappointing others, we will likely feel a lot of shame from that.
Glennon’s recommended solution is to stick to your boundary until the reactions pass (as hard as that may be!).
I’ll leave you with a few additional nuggets of wisdom around boundaries:
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We sometimes do not know if a boundary has been violated until after it happens and that is okay. We can notice how it felt when a potential boundary may have been broken + set the boundary for the future.
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It is not selfish to have boundaries!! We must protect our wellbeing and energy, and that means setting boundaries for ourselves.
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Boundary-setting is a practice, not a skill you have or don't. This means you can improve, it just takes some times to get in the habit of boundary-setting.
Wishing you all the best as you begin setting or tightening up your boundaries!
