read time: 6 min
This post is all about what to do when it feels like your mind is split.
Do you ever feel like there’s two different versions of yourself that co-exist?
One of them may be loving, kind, open-hearted, trusting, excited to grow, empathetic, optimistic, and able to take risks.
The other may be scared, judgmental, guarded, worried about the worst-case-scenario, irritable, and afraid to leave their comfort zone.
One of them may be excited to be in your relationship, wanting it to work, and acting with love.
The other may be questioning everything, nitpicking, and acting out of fear, not love.
If this is all resonating, please know you’re not the only one.
Not only is this something I’ve experienced, but it’s something we’ve been discussing in the group coaching program, Beyond the Doubts, and it’s a question that hundreds of people voted to learn about in this week’s blog post (which means they’re thinkin’ the same things as you are).
On the surface, having two parts of ourselves may seem “bad,” or “wrong.”
We may think that we should feel only one type of way about something as important as a relationship (and that one type of way should be “all positive, or it’s not right”).
We may think that we should have more consistency with how we think or feel, and not be so “all over the place.”
We may think that we should “just know” and not question our decisions.
I’m here to offer up a different perspective on all of those points.
When It Feels Like Your Mind Is Split
Feeling many types of ways about something is not only extremely normal, it should be expected.
Let’s take an example of graduating college. We may think it should be all smiles — pride for the success, excitement for what’s ahead, happiness and having a fun day of celebration.
But what if in addition to those things, there is some fear, too. Or some sadness. Uncertainty of what your next move will be, worry that you may lose touch with some of your friends, and more.
Or how about a relationship-anxiety related example like getting engaged. We may think it should be all “positive” — joy, excitement, happiness, glee, etc. etc.
But what if in addition to feeling those things, there is some fear of the unknown future ahead, sadness that you’re officially transitioning into a new stage of life, and some stress about the actual planning of a wedding that will come next (especially if there are any sort of uncomfortable family dynamics at play).
All of this is perfectly reasonable, we’ve just never been given permission to experience the full range of emotions.
Additionally, inconsistency with thoughts and feelings are not only extremely normal, they should be expected.
Are you 100% happy at work every shift?
Are you 100% happy every time you spend time with your family?
Are you 100% happy day to day?
No?
So why are we expecting to be 100% happy (or any other feeling) in our intimate relationships?
It’s just not a fair expectation to place on ourselves.
If we could zoom out and learn to accept and expect to feel differently about our relationship, we may not judge ourselves so much for thinking or feeling that way.
Instead of thinking we’re “all over the place” what if we were just perfectly normal human beings reacting to our emotions?
This doesn’t mean we don’t still want to evolve to a place where we can better manage these changing feelings, but it does mean we may want to try and give ourselves a little break.
Lastly, questioning our decisions is not only extremely normal (especially for an indecisive mind), it should be expected.
A private coaching client of mine that just started yesterday had a powerful sense of self-awareness when she shared with me: “I wish I was more sure about decision making ability.”
She didn’t say “I wish I was more sure about my partner,”—she said she wishes she was more sure about her own ability to make decisions.
THAT is an important distinction.
If you’re the type of person who can barely decide what they want to eat on a menu, or you went back and forth for weeks deciding which job to take between two offers, or you constantly are in your head weighing out potential outcomes—please know that this will carry over into your relationship.
And even if you don’t identify as someone who is indecisive, when society tells us that “the person you marry (or commit to) will be one of the biggest decisions you make in your life”—many people don’t take that lightly.
So if you feel like there’s one part of you that’s all in on your relationship (or wants to be), and another part that wants you to run for the hills, just know that it’s not automatically a sign your relationship is “wrong”, it could mean that you’re having a harder time making a decision than you’d like, and you need more time to have a reckoning between the split parts of yourself.
View this post on Instagram
Making decisions based on your values instead of fear
So how may we want to reconcile these different parts of ourselves?
When one side says “I’m scared. I think my intuition is trying to tell me to leave. I can’t do this. What if they aren’t the one?” and the other side said “I feel safe here, I want this to work, I want to be here, I care about this person.”
Well, the answer is simple, yet not so easy:
Values-based decision making.
Making decisions based on our values, what means a lot to us, what we want out of life—not making decisions simply based on fear.
Fear says: “what if this doesn’t work?”
Values say: “I really want a loving, safe long term relationship and from what I know about my partner and their character, this feels like someone I can grow with and practice love with.”
Fear says: “what if this is my intuition trying to tell me to leave?”
Values say: “I trust myself to tell the difference between being in a threatening situation (ex: being followed in a dark alley at night) and me being scared.”
Fear says: “I don’t want to be in this relationship because [insert partner’s flaws here]”
Values say: “what’s most important to me in life is [insert here], and [insert partner’s flaws here] are more of an inconvenience, not going against my core beliefs.”
*Of course, all of this is said with the assumption that you’re in a loving, healthy relationship without abuse present or where you are not having boundaries consistently and intentionally broken.
Spending some time getting to know yourself is critical.
-
What do you want out of life?
-
What is actually important to YOU, not just to society’s standards?
-
What things scare you, and how can you learn to safely face these fears so they don’t control you?
-
What things excite you about being in a relationship, and why do those feel exciting?
-
What do you want to grow and evolve within yourself?
Additionally, spending some time learning about your views on relationships is also critical.
-
What expectations are you putting on relationships?
-
What do you believe a good relationship “should” or “should not” consist of?
-
Do you believe that relationships can evolve over time, or that however it is now is how it’ll be?
-
What patterns beliefs or judgments do you bring into your relationship that are helpful, and which ones may need some re-examining?
-
Do you have a solid understanding of different relationship dynamics?
Without knowing some of this (and no, not all of it ASAP, it’s a slow process and requires some patience)—you are likely going to continue making decisions from the fear-based part of yourself, not the values-based part of yourself.
Because let’s face it, we’re wired for protection and to keep ourselves safe.
And if you’re a more sensitive soul, even more so.
View this post on Instagram
You don’t have to let your fear-based self rule your life
You get to choose to continue bringing awareness to your different patterns and beliefs.
You get to lean into your values and your desires, not just what scares you.
You get to practice (practice practice practice) leaning into trust of what could go right, not just what could go wrong.
You get to be curious and collect more information as you go.
You get to accept all of the parts of you, not just the ones that are “positive” or “good.”
Permission granted, my friend.
And if you would like support and guidance on the journey to do those things, it’s available to you.
If you’d like to bring awareness to your relational patterns and beliefs, learn more about leaning into your values, practice trusting yourself and your relationship, become curious about relationships, and bring more acceptance to yourself and your anxiety, Deconstruct the Doubts digital course was made for you.
Jump in to the content TODAY by purchasing here.
This post was all about what to do when it feels like your mind is split.
If you liked this post about what to do when it feels like your mind is split, you may also like:
Is It Anxiety Or Intuition? How To Trust Your Inner Wisdom
Telling Your Partner About Relationship Anxiety
Here are some ways I can support you further:
1 - “is it anxiety or intuition?” webinar - I explore this question in great detail and help you build up more trust in your own inner wisdom. Purchase the replay for $27.
2 - my recent webinar replay: “is it anxiety or incompatibility?” - Helps you answer this question with more clarity and ease so you can stop questioning if your relationship is incompatible. Purchase the replay for $27.
3 - Check out my self-study course Deconstruct the Doubts, which is perfect for someone who wants to confidently choose their partner and relationship and have access to the information TODAY!
4 - Learn more about Private Coaching.
