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This post is all about the question - Is It ROCD Or Am I Not In Love?
“Could you consider writing something about the times where logically everything about the ROCD (relationship OCD) makes sense but it still feels very real?”
Yes, yes I can consider writing about it, because I love this question and I know many others feel the same!
I really want to validate this experience before going any further.
It’s common for our logical self to understand information we’ve learned or heard, but something within us can still feel off.
Maybe we’ve learned or heard a lot of information, but haven’t implemented practices or tools to help us move forward, we’ve just expected the information to change our feelings simply by hearing it.
Is It ROCD Or Am I Not In Love?
In order to work with ROCD (or relationship anxiety) despite it still feeling real (aka, like a sign that we need to leave our loving relationship), I believe there are a handful of things to consider:
1 - Feelings aren’t facts
If we go based off feeling alone in our life, we’ll be on a rollercoaster.
Feelings come and go, they’re up down and all around.
Instead of just reacting off of feelings or instincts, it’s important to also bring in experiences, faith, reason (and our values).
In my “intuition” blog post, I share Brené Brown’s definition of intuition which I love: “Intuition is not a single way of knowing - it's our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we've developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith, and reason.”
If you haven’t read the full article, I highly recommend it, as worrying if your intuition is telling you something is a huge relationship anxiety fear.
Instead of going off of our feelings (which if we have ROCD or relationship anxiety are likely irritated, confused, afraid), what if we tapped into other things such as what we value in life, our experiences, and faith and reason.
Values: do you value a long term relationship, and if so, do you want to make this one work? Why is that important to you? Are you valuing short term relief over long term fulfillment by wanting to end a loving relationship?
Experiences: do you have positive experiences with your partner to look to instead of just the anxious moments? In your experience, is your partner a safe, trustworthy, supportive person who’s willing to grow with you?
Faith: do you have faith that things could work out, if you continue working on your ROCD/relationship anxiety? Do you have faith in your ability to handle whatever happens?
Reason: this would be tapping into the part of you that understands that ROCD/relationship anxiety make sense logically, and trusting it, not going off of feeling alone.
Feeling aren’t facts, and we need to be able to hold space for our feelings without taking them all at face value or a sign to take action.
2 - We’re responsible for responding to our feelings
Despite me saying feelings are not facts, and that we may not want to jump on the feelings train every single time we have one (again - rollercoaster ride in the making), I also want to empower you to take responsibility when the big feelings inevitably do arise (we’re humans, not robots!!).
I’m going to assume from experience that when you’re feeling ROCD or relationship anxiety, you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, irritated, afraid, anxious, or other similar feelings.
When these feelings come up, we have options.
We can choose to bring ourselves into a more neutral place (not as an escape of the feelings, but as a way to show that we’re safe and can handle these feelings).
By creating safety in our body, we often feel less fear in our mind.
In my “get out of your head” blog post, I share that when your body is in fight or flight mode, its only focus is on finding safety and protection, not having a back and forth inner dialogue.
Thus, trying to think your way out of anxiety only further perpetuates the anxiety cycle that you're experiencing.
Whether that cycle started as anxious thoughts affecting anxious feelings affecting thoughts affecting feelings etc.—or the opposite, anxious feelings affecting anxious thoughts affecting feelings affecting thoughts...the way to interrupt this cycle is through connecting to the body.
See full article for how to do that, here.
If we let our feelings take the wheel without any plan of action for when they come up, we’ll likely feel disempowered and helpless.
However, if and when we can take responsibility for our feelings and take action to find safety when the big feelings arise, we will likely feel empowered and confident.
3 - Resistance is likely at play here
Resistance, or pulling away from something (or someone), is usually driven from a fear-based place.
More than likely, it's fear of the unknown, because the unknown feels really uncomfortable.
Some potential uncomfy unknowns could sound like:
"What will life look like if I'm not anxious about my relationship all the time? I can't even picture it."
"What if I stop worrying and something bad happens?"
We think that if we stop worrying about something, things will fall apart.
And this isn’t the truth.
See full blog post “resistance” for more on this sneaky trickster of our ego.
If you logically understand ROCD/RA but still “feel” like it’s your truth, it may be that resistance is flaring up, which may mean that you still have some underlying fears to work through in your life/relationship.
If you’d like support with that, you may consider applying for private coaching or jumping into the Deconstruct the Doubts digital course:
Deconstruct the Doubts is a digital course where I walk you through why relationship anxiety happens and give you tools to reduce the doubts. You can learn more and sign up here.
Private Coaching, a 12-week personalized program where I support you in feeling more confident in your relationship. You can learn more and apply here.
4 - Patience, patience, patience
Sometimes, we simply need to be patient with ourselves and our healing journey.
Something I tell my clients all the time is that they’ve been thinking/feeling/acting a certain way for [X] years before working with me for only days or weeks, and they can’t expect to see instant progress.
If you’re working to unravel beliefs, patterns, or behaviors that you’ve been doing for YEARS, it’s going to take time to do this.
I’m almost 30, for reference, and if 25+ years of my life (before I began my personal development journey) was spent being a RomCom fanatic, thinking “when you know you know,” wanting someone to come rescue me from all of my challenges, etc. - how do I expect to replace that all within 1 month, or 1 year?
Things take time.
Reprogramming your subconscious isn’t an overnight job, my loves.
And I know how tempting it is to want to give up and tap out and not do the work to start feeling more confidence and love in your relationship, and want to find a “more perfect partner” where this anxiety isn’t present, but if you’re in a loving safe relationship, please know that wherever you go, there you are.
This means that whoever you’re with, in whatever relationship, your core fears will follow you.
So why not really dig deep and work through them and give this relationship a chance (if you want it to work)?
As always, this assumes you’re in a relationship without abuse present.
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Final thoughts
While I understand just how real ROCD/RA feels, know that feelings aren’t facts, we’re responsible for how we respond to our feelings, resistance is likely trying to keep you in your comfort zone, and patience is a key ingredient in healing from relationship anxiety/ROCD.
Sending love, my friends!
This post was all about the question - Is It ROCD Or Am I Not In Love?
If you liked this post about the question - Is It ROCD Or Am I Not In Love? - you may also like:
Is It Anxiety Or Intuition? How To Trust Your Inner Wisdom
Here are some ways I can support you further:
1 - “is it anxiety or intuition?” webinar - I explore this question in great detail and help you build up more trust in your own inner wisdom. Purchase the replay for $27.
2 - my recent webinar replay: “is it anxiety or incompatibility?” - Helps you answer this question with more clarity and ease so you can stop questioning if your relationship is incompatible. Purchase the replay for $27.
3 - Check out my self-study course Deconstruct the Doubts, which is perfect for someone who wants to confidently choose their partner and relationship and have access to the information TODAY!
4 - Learn more about Private Coaching.
