“when you know you…know?”

You're scrolling on social media when BAM: an engagement announcement pops up with the caption:

"I can't wait to marry my best friend...when you know, you know!"

Or "I always knew you were my person"

Or maybe in another situation, you ask your family or friends for advice in how to choose a life partner, and they keep it extremely vague and say "you just know!"

CUE ANXIETY.

What do these people know, and how do they know it?

I remember the days of being extremely confused and flustered when I heard this phrase.

My anxious would take it at face value: these people are 100% certain that this partner and this relationship are "meant to be" and will work out.

And because I had some doubts (or even perhaps you could say, questions) about my relationship, I thought it meant that I must be in the wrong one, with the wrong person.

Because, it was clear that these people knew something that I didn't, and I was doing something wrong...or so I thought.

If your current fear is that because you don't "know" with 100% certainty you're in the right relationship—you're not alone.

I'm going to deconstruct the phrase "when you know you know,"—firstly by defining what it means to "know" or have "knowledge," and then secondly by explaining different reasons why some people may lean more towards "knowing" and others lean more towards...not knowing.

First, definitions.

What does it mean to "know" or have "knowledge"?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, one of the definitions of know is to "be absolutely certain or sure about something."

And on Wikipedia, I resonated with their definition of knowledge as being; "a familiarity, awareness, or understanding of someone or something, such as facts, skills, or objects. By most accounts, knowledge can be acquired in many different ways and from many sources, including but not limited to perception, reason, memory, testimony, scientific inquiry, education, and practice."

Let's break each of these down a little bit in the context of choosing a life partner.

I want to poke some holes in the definition of "know" right off the bat:

"To be absolutely certain or sure" about the *future* outcome of something is a myth.

No one has certainty beyond this current moment.

Confidence? Sure.

Certainty—no.

There is no guarantee that the person who said "when I knew, I knew" is going to have a happier relationship or life with their current partner as compared with the person who's asking some questions and having a hard time committing to their current partner.

I can see where it may feel this way. But confidence in your relationship or partner doesn't change the fact that successful relationships are built on:

• Putting effort in

• Showing up for each other and for yourself

• Compromising

• Listening and supporting one another

• Cheering for one another and lifting each other up

• Having difficult conversations

Those things still have to happen, even if someone is extremely confident in the trajectory of their relationship.

And one interesting devil's advocate towards the "certainty" they're feeling—I'd argue that someone who is overly-confident in their relationship has the potential to do LESS of the things I just listed (and put in less 'effort') because they may be of the (fixed) mindset that a great relationship always stays great.

If they think they're all good, and because they chose the "right" partner and just "knew" their relationship would last, with certainty, they may not think the relationship needs effort to grow and thrive.

Whereas someone who adopts a growth mindset says relationships can grow and evolve over time, and that there isn't only "good" or "bad" relationships but you can decide the trajectory based on your efforts.

Just some food for thought...

Now onto the definition of "knowledge." A few words within this definition jumped out at me that I'd like to relate to someone having the "knowledge" to confidently choose their partner.

• if knowledge is an "understanding" of someone or "something", perhaps those who are more "certain" about their relationships or "know" they want to be with their partner have a better comprehension on their personal definition of love, what they're looking for in their life partner, or even their own values, thus making it easier for them to choose something that feels like it fits well into their life vision.

  • this doesn't mean that you can't cultivate more "understanding"—it may mean you need to spend some time reflecting on what love does or does not mean for you, what beliefs you are holding onto that may be making it harder to show up in relationships with ease, and what fears are coming up for you in your current relationship.

• in the definition it says that knowledge may mean understanding "facts," but when it comes to choosing a life partner, there are no "facts"—there are subjective "perceptions" of which partner is the "right" partner for you and your life.

  • this means that someone's "perceptions" of what the "right choice" is for their relationship and life moving forward are going to be completely different than yours, and perceptions can also shift over time too, when you gain more "understanding" of your circumstances and beliefs.

• "reason"; are we reasoning with ourself that "if we loved someone, we would never doubt things"? or perhaps we reason with ourselves that "having doubts in a relationship often has nothing to do with our partner and everything to do with internal fears or outdated beliefs"? that makes a big difference.

  • this means that how you're choosing to "reason" with yourself matters. I discuss this more in my "intuition" blog post 

• "memory"; if knowledge is acquired from memory, perhaps people who "know" about their life partner are making decisions from different memories than someone who is not so sure; perhaps their memories of their parent's beautiful relationship made them eager to get married, whereas the memory of your parents divorce made you question marriage, for example—or in the opposite way, maybe their parents' divorce memory motivated them even more to get married. Either way their memory has a different influence on their "knowledge" of commitment and their partner than it would yours.

  • this means we cannot assume that someone's "knowing" is coming from the same decision-making process as ours, and we can give ourselves some compassion for whatever memories or stories are making it hard for us to "know."

• "education"; I just had to point out that knowledge can change once we learn more, so even if someone is doubtful about their relationship, by reading blog posts like this, your "education" of love and relationships is expanding and maybe you feel less guilt about not "knowing" and trust that you can grow more confident, like others are.

  • this means that by continuing to show up and work on your relationship doubts (by reading blogs, or perhaps getting support from a therapist or coach), you can change the knowledge and thus change your beliefs and behaviors accordingly.

Okay, enough definitions for now, let's move into different reasons why some people may lean more towards "knowing" and others lean more towards...not knowing.

Decisions, Certainty, Optimism

Are you indecisive? Or decisive?

Are you the type of person that looks for certainty? Or do you embrace uncertainty?

Are you confident that things will work out for the best? Or do you tend to fear that the worst-case scenario may happen?

The answer to those three questions may affect your tendency to "know" vs. have doubt.

How so?

Well, if you're indecisive AF (hi, it's me)—you may fear making the wrong choice in partner and have a hard time feeling like you're able to let yourself choose. (see recent Instagram post for more on this...).

Sarah Wilson, author and anxiety-warrior, says "There is never a perfect decision. They become perfect when we make them."

Ponder on that for a bit...

Next, if you're the type of person who looks for certainty (I mean, most humans tend to, but some are more pressed on it), perhaps you're clinging SO MUCH to the idea that a choice in partner needs to be certain, or guaranteed, that you're unable to lean into the inevitable uncertainty that comes with committing to someone in the future.

As a result, instead of making a confident (but uncertain) choice and trusting that you will do whatever it takes to make it work, you may be getting so caught up in the fact that you're uncertain about the future with this person (because... EVERYONE IS...no one has any frickin' clue what will happen to them tomorrow, spoiler alert!!!!) and letting yourself get stuck there.

In turn, this may be further preventing you from leaning into the relationship and causing your anxiety to spike even more. (see this post about embracing uncertainty for more information in case you missed it!)

Lastly, if you tend to lean towards "what if the worst-case happens?" as opposed to "what if everything works out for me?"—this may be affecting your ability to "know" because you're protecting yourself from the potential worst-case outcome by not choosing an outcome to begin with.

Making the choice, and having "certainty" about it would lead to the potential risk that you were wrong, that you chose the wrong partner, and things didn't work...so instead, you're choosing to stick to what feels "comfortable" and in doing so, are keeping one-foot-in-one-foot-out so you can run if things start going downhill. (even if being anxious is not actually comfortable...it feels safer and more familiar to your nervous system than the risk of the unknowns)

So, if you haven't picked up on it by now, part of what I'm getting at here is...your personality majorly influences this ability or inability to "know" and "choose" your partner.

Which brings me to the next reason why someone may lean more towards "knowing" vs. not:

Personality

Joe Dispenza, neuroscientiest, says “…it is our personality that creates our personal reality.”

What does he mean by this?

That your own unique thoughts, beliefs, habits, and past experiences create the reality in which you live in.

You and I could both experience the same thing (for example: being in a healthy relationship) and take it to mean completely different things based on our unique lens that we view the world in.

This means that each person's personality (thoughts, beliefs, habits, and past experience) affect their ability to confidently choose love, choose commitment, and choose to move forward in their relationship.

Someone who's experienced a rough breakup, has seen divorce in their life, is indecisive, fears uncertainty, leans towards "glass half empty," and who believes that "love always ends" may feel differently about "knowing" they've found "The One" than someone who is confident, decisive, embraces life's inevitable unknowns, leans more towards "glass half full," and trusts themselves to handle whatever life throws their way.

And I'll add that this has little to do with the exact partner you're with, it's internal. (assumes you're in a non-abusive relationship).

Do you see where I'm going with this?

It's completely unfair to compare your unique experience and ability to "know" with someone else's.

It's comparing apples to oranges.

Instead of saying "everyone seems to know they're making the right choice"—perhaps looking at the thousands of people who are in your shoes, confused and analytical of this big (and important!!!) life decision.

If you need assurance that you're not alone in this, please scroll through my social media pages. You're in good company, I promise you that.

While we're on the subject of personality, let's talk about if you tend to lean towards gratitude over whats missing.

I discussed in my Instagram post yesterday that gratitude is a practice, not an attitude. It's also vulnerable to be grateful, because when we have something to lose, we feel like we have to hold on tightly to it.

However, Brené Brown says "it's not joyful people who are grateful, it's grateful people who are joyful."

In what ways are you cultivating gratitude for your partner and relationship?

If you're waiting to feel joyful to be grateful about your life and relationship, you may be waiting forever.

And I'd be willing to bet someone who "knows" they're making the right choice in their partner (even though we've discussed, they're just confident, they don't "KNOW") is practicing gratitude for the ways their partner adds to their life, and is not hyper-focused on the ways their partner isn't good enough for them.

More food for thought... :)

One final point I want to make was inspired by Sarah Wilson, author of First We Make the Beast Beautiful (love love loved this book).

We yearn for something even if we don’t know it exists…which means we don’t *KNOW* what someone else’s experience of “knowing” even is…

Gosh, I have typed “know” or “knowing” too much, I feel weird looking at the words now…that ever happen to you?! Anyways, onward…

Sarah Wilson has a few quotes that stopped me dead in my tracks as I read them.

She shares that one of the cruel ironies of anxiety is that "We yearn for something even if we don't know what it looks like or if it actually exists." and I think this is SO TRUE of the experience of relationships.

We hear people say things like "when you know you know" or "I love them so much" or "I'm so in love with them" etc.—but what does that mean?

There is no shared definition of love.

Everyone has their own unique understanding of love and everyone gives and receives love differently.

So when you’re envious of someone else's "knowing"—you're quite literally yearning for something that you don't know what it looks like or if it even exists.

You think you know what someone else's experience is like, but you're not living in their mind and body.

You're reaching for something that you can't even describe... (or at least, I used to!)

I would say "something feels off" and have no idea what it was, or what was "missing."

And this type of vagueness will keep you feeling anxious as heck.

There's nothing specific you're moving towards or away from, you're just craving..."something else."

Instead, why not focus on what YOU are hoping for in a relationship and start making it happen?

Not looking for a magical "knowing" to rush over you, but to show up and cultivate an appreciation and gratitude and admiration for your partner that may just last even longer than someone's "knowing" because you choose to intentionally nurture it…

Sarah also says that "The Germans have a word for this: Sehnsucht: (noun) — an intense yearning for something far off and indefinable."

Until you can define what you want your relationship to look and feel like (in your own way, not the way of RomCom culture or social media)—and keep an open mind that it may not look 100% perfectly like you're wanting, but work towards a shared vision with your partner—then you're simply yearning for something "better" without even knowing what that is.

And that my friends is a recipe for perpetual anxiety: the need to constantly be doing something better, or differently, than you are right now—never "settling" into your life or being content but always striving for more more more.

Which leads me to one final lovely quote from Sarah Wilson:

"You know how dogs do that thing where they circle and circle, unable to find the spot where they feel comfortable enough to settle? That's us. Most of the time. We wander about, filling up our weekends, creating never-ending to-do lists. It's like we're searching for a Something Else that makes us feel...what? Like we've landed, I suppose."

And to that I ask you:

Will you ever let yourself land?

In summary, instead of hearing the phrase "when you know you know" and thinking that someone saying it has 100% certainty their relationship is going to work out, you may consider replacing it with something like "they're confident within this relationship in this moment, but have no guarantees about their future."

As someone with anxiety, you may not always be confident about something right off the bat. And having this self-awareness is huge.

There are some people who tend to be more confident naturally in their decision making and trust in the future, and some who need to work up to that.

Both are okay.

You're not doing life wrong, I promise.

And another gentle reminder, because I can't say it enough:

No one can predict the future—it's completely out of our control, and everything past the moment we have right now is simply an educated guess—both what could go wrong, or, what could go right.

So when people say "when you know you know"—they don't really KNOW anything. They are confident in their choice of partner, and hoping for the best.

And you can absolutely get to that place, too.

You can work towards that level of peace, calm, and clarity.

Just because we don't always feel like we know right now doesn't mean we can't get there.

It's taken me some time, but now I feel so much confidence about the future of my relationship with Nate. I don't KNOW what the future will bring, but I feel confident today choosing him.

The fact you read these blog posts and are curious about your relationship doubts tells me that something is pulling you forward to choose your partner, too.

So to close out, when you hear "when you know you know" and don't feel like you 100% know, instead of using it as a way to invalidate your relationship in the present, use it as a sign to motivate yourself to build more confidence in yourself, your decisions, and your relationship.

The confidence you're craving won't come from another partner or relationship, but from within*.

*assumes you’re in a non-abusive relationship

After reading this article, if you still feel a desire to “know” with more confidence and clarity that your relationship is one that is worth continuing in, I have a few ways I can support you in getting there! (updated 6/16/22):

1 - my recent webinar replay: “is it anxiety or incompatibility?” - helps you answer this question with more clarity and ease

2 - Check out my self-study course Deconstruct the Doubts, which is perfect for someone who wants to confidently choose their partner and relationship and have access to the information TODAY!

3 - Learn more about Private Coaching (now accepting applications for September start).

You’ve got this, my friend.