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“Would I be happier single?”
This is a question that many people who experience relationship anxiety have asked themselves, and one that I used to debate myself (especially in the thick of my most anxious days).
I received a great blog topic request that ties into this question:
“I have been getting triggered a lot by memes or posts about “Hot girl summer”! I'm happy in my relationship but these posts always send me in a spiral: I end up asking myself if I'm living "my best life" or if I would be happier single because the posts really make it seem so perfect and they make me feel super left out because I'm in a monogamous relationship and can't live the "hot girl lifestyle". I know that that is not true and I'm the happier now than I've ever been single but for some reason it really triggers my relationship anxiety!”
For those who are not familiar with “hot girl summer” — this is a title of one of rapper Megan thee Stallion’s songs, and has become a “single’s anthem” so to speak when summer rolls around. The overall sentiment is that during “hot girl summer” you do what makes you happy, have fun, live your “best life” and not let people’s actions romantically affect you or “bring you down.”
Now that it’s 2022 and even bigger platforms like TikTok exist with what feels like a never-ending amount of videos you can watch, you can easily scroll by and see videos of people “preparing” for hot girl summer. They may be doing things like getting new clothes, working out, planning vacations or the like, which I can imagine is what’s leading to this person’s submitted question.
So in this post I will explore both the general question of “will I be happier single?” as well as weaving in my thoughts on how “hot girl summer” and “living your best life” can add more pressure to this already confusing question.
I wanted to start off by acknowledging that asking the question “will I be happier single?” when you have anxiety in a relationship can be a slippery slope.
The reason is because in some senses the answer may be yes.
And before you go thinking that means you need to leave your loving, healthy relationship (my content does not apply to abusive relationships), let me explain what I mean by this.
The reality is that you may feel a sense of relief by no longer being in a relationship if you’re used to experiencing anxiety as a result of being in a relationship, however that doesn’t necessarily tell us that the anxiety was caused by THIS relationship specifically.
If you’ve been around my page for a while, you know that it’s my belief that a lot of the anxiety we’re experiencing in our loving, healthy relationship is caused by general fears that don’t have to do with our specific partner as much as they have to do with us being in a uncertain, vulnerable situation simply by being in a relationship in the first place.
For example, the fear of “will this relationship work out?” is a general fear that could come up in any relationship if you don’t do well with future uncertainty.
It may feel like it’s tied to your partner’s specific quirks or behaviors, but insert any new partner’s unique quirks or behaviors into the mix and I’d be willing to bet suddenly a new set of anxieties would arise...
(again, this assumes you’re in a loving, healthy relationship - additionally one where you share similar visions, values, and respect on another’s boundaries).
So, although technically transitioning from being in a relationship to being single may feel like a relief for someone who’s been anxious in their relationship, that doesn’t tell us that much.
Was the relief caused by this specific relationship ending, or was the relief caused by there being a temporary period where you no longer need to address the core fears that relationships bring up head-on, and the next relationship you get in, the fears will creep right back in?
We’ll never know that answer without experiencing it for ourselves.
And that’s why this question is a tough one to be asking in the first place, because the answer has much more nuance and complexity than a simple “yes” or “no.”
Which brings me to my next point:
There are pro’s and con’s to being single, and pro’s and con’s to being in a relationship.
There is no right or wrong choice, it’s about what sacrifices you’re willing to make (because either one requires some level of “sacrifice”).
I posted this quote the other day on my Instagram, and received interesting responses to it:
“The person you marry is the person you fight with. The house you buy is the house you repair. The dream job you take is the job you stress over. Everything comes with an inherent sacrifice—whatever makes us feel good will also inevitably make us feel bad.”
— Mark Manson
Some people said comments along the lines of “I strongly disagree” or “this is depressing.”
But I believe it to be true to my core.
And the same concept applies to being single, too.
Whatever make us feel good will also inevitably make us feel bad, we don’t get to escape challenging feelings or experiences, so it’s about deciding which one is worth the “sacrifices” to us.
For example, when you’re single, you may have more “freedoms” (although, I think we can tap into a lot of freedoms while in a relationship, too...), but you may crave having a significant other to share special moments with, and feel disappointed when you don’t. (This isn’t necessarily true for everyone, just sharing my thoughts!)
Or, on the flip side, when you’re in a relationship, you may have more emotional support and opportunities for relational growth (ex: learning to communicate), but you may crave having more alone time in your schedule and the ability to make decisions without factoring in another person (or people’s!) availability or desires.
Neither being single nor being in a relationship are a walk-in-the-park where you pass go and collect $200 without experiencing some ups and downs.
It’s just about which one feels more supportive for you, period.
There is no one right way to be.
Even though society will tell you the “right” experience to have is to date, get engaged, get married, have a family, etc. — that isn’t THE ONLY WAY.
However, if that is what you desire, then you will have to sacrifice being single for “hot girl summer” and trade it in for your own version of that experience that still brings you joy, fun, and fulfillment...just without the random hooking up or going on dates part (unless you’re not in a monogamous relationship).
A question that may help you gain some perspective is: what are the pro’s of being in your relationship, and what are the con’s of being single?
Make sure you factor those things in too, instead of just the opposite (focusing on the pro’s of being single, and con’s of being in a relationship—which was what I was sensing from the question).
Next, let’s talk about grass is greener mentality and how this is at play.
Grass is greener mentality has us thinking that things must be better “over there” instead of what we have “right here.”
Maybe that is wishing you lived in Europe when you live in America because it seems so dreamy, or wishing you lived in America when you live in Europe because it’s what you’re comfortable with (...hint hint: I’ve experienced some of this living in Sweden and having a once-in-a-lifetime experience, while also missing family and friends).
Maybe that is wishing you had your own business when you are working in a 9-5 corporate job for more freedom, or wishing you were in a more stable 9-5 corporate job and had someone telling you what to do and when to do it (...hint hint: when things get hard in my biz, sometimes I miss parts of 9-5 (but mostly just when things feel hard, which is important to note!)).
Maybe that is wishing you were single when you see videos about “hot girl summer,” or wishing you were in a relationship when you’re single because you see joyful engagement photos and want that for yourself (...hint hint: what this whole blog post is about!).
Whatever ways grass is greener mentality shows up for you, if we don’t address the tendency to jump into comparison and grass is greener mentality, then question our life decisions as a result, this pattern will continue to follow us around.
Comparison to others is a natural and normal part of being human, so it’s not realistic to never do it again.
However, when you find yourself comparing, it’s important to also remind yourself of what you do have vs. what you don’t.
Grass is greener mentality compares what looks good in the other situation to what feels bad in your current situation, but this isn’t the full picture. As we just discussed, there are pro’s and con’s in both scenarios, and those need to be factored in.
So, perhaps instead of flip flopping between being single in a relationship every time grass is greener mentality arises, we may want to tackle the grass is greener mentality...
Just some food for thought.
Lastly, “hot girl summer” or anything else that romanticizes an experience is missing context — people also do this with relationships, too
As we’ve just discussed, there are pro’s and con’s to all life experiences, so when you see a post about “hot girl summer” or see a lovey-dovey relationship photo, you can rest assured that there is some context missing.
I’m not here to rain on anyone’s parade, because if someone wants to have a hot girl summer, I am here for it!
I’m also here for people sharing cute photos of their relationship on social media.
I feel strongly that people can do whatever they want, and we should not shame people for their experiences or choices.
AND, there is a big and, I also want to make sure that as someone reading this blog, you hear it from me directly that there is always more to the story.
As someone who creates content on social media both on a “private account” and a “business account” I can assure you that unless someone follows my @youloveandyoulearn social media channels, they likely have no freaking idea about my anxiety within my relationship.
No, not everyone experiences relationship anxiety or ROCD who is in a relationship.
No, not everyone partaking in hot girl summer wants to be in a relationship.
Yet, when you scroll by a caption that says “every day with you is out of a movie...” (relationship) or “living my best damn life...” (single), just know that it’s a 1% snapshot of that person’s full story and humanity.
They also have their ups and downs, they also have their dreams and fears, they also have their wins and hardships.
They’re not so different from you in that way.
While I didn’t answer the question “will I be happier single?” (because...well...I can’t tell you that answer), I hope this gave you some things to think about in a more holistic way.
I also think that ANYONE + EVERYONE is able to have a “hot girl summer” (hot boy summer, hot person summer...whatever you identify as!) disregarding your relationship status.
Ask yourself this: aside from going on dates with other people, what do you admire in the “hot girl summer” vibe and how can you bring more of that into your life?
Maybe its traveling with friends, maybe it’s taking yourself on solo dates, maybe it’s finally trying that new hobby you’ve been putting off.
Whatever you are desiring, schedule some of this stuff in!
Who says that being in a relationship has to be boring or prevent you from living your best life?
I sure don’t!
