Trigger warning: this blog posts talks about breakups.
There's a difference between wanting someone in your life, and needing them in your life.
The first comes from an abundance mindset that says "I am okay on my own, but you make life better, so I want you in it."
The second comes from a scarcity mindset that says "if I don't have you, I will not be okay."
And if we don't catch it, the relationship anxiety mind may slip into the belief that without our partner, we will not be okay.
That if things ended, we would be missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime love, that could never be matched or replaced.
That if things ended, our life plan, and maybe even our life in general would be ruined.
That if things ended, we'd be just another statistic, part of the 50% that "can't make it work."
I've thought about this too many times to count:
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"I don't want things to end with me and Nate because he's such a good guy, and we're so compatible."
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"I want to have a long happy relationship, and that can't happen if we break up."
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"I don't want to get married and eventually get divorced. I'd feel like a failure."
And guess where all that thinking got me? Feeling more anxious than ever.
The pressure and weight that I placed on this relationship to be perfect, to work, and to be "successful" ended up creating pain and doubts, not motivation to succeed.
So often in the thick of relationship anxiety, we're thinking of the worst-case scenario. We're imagining the divorce before we get married, the break-up before we even say "I love you."
And this is not only overestimating the threat itself, but also leads us to inevitably underestimate our ability to handle it and resilience to move through life no matter what happens.
In his book Anxiety Rx (highly recommend), Dr. Russell Kennedy says "Here is one of the secrets anxiety doesn't want you to know: on the rare occasion that it does go bad, you will handle it."
I know this to be true. How? Because you've handled everything life has thrown your way so far.
Surviving 2020 was an accomplishment all on it's own. And I know that isn't the only hardship you've been through. We've all been through things that felt impossible at the time, and lived to tell the tale.
Life isn't always easy, and there are many hard seasons that cause grief, hurt, and sadness—AND, we get through them, often times learning an important lesson on the other side about our strength and courage.
It’s not easy, or “fun,” but it’s life.
I don't wish a breakup on anyone reading this.
If you have relationship anxiety, I know that thought makes you feel queasy and upset.
Yet, if we can stop living in fear that a breakup will happen, we may just be able to enjoy the relationship in front of us without as much panic.
Another great quote that I have to share is from Peter Crone, who says "The biggest lie anyone says in their life, is unless things are the way I want them to be, I will not be okay."
When we subconsciously tell ourselves that "unless this relationship works out, I will not be okay," we're not only putting an immense pressure on the relationship, but also on ourselves.
We're saying that if things don't work out a certain way, we are not okay.
And that is where we are wrong.
We will be okay, no matter what.
I know you will be okay, dear reader, because you are here reading this today, and you have made it through 100% of your hardest days.
You are resilient.
You are strong.
You are loved, no matter what relationship you are in or not in.
If you start believing that—really believing it—you may come to find that your relationship anxiety actually lowers.
Life is uncertain.
Grasping for certainty that our relationship will be long-lasting, happy, and joyful for years to come is going to make us feel groundless.
Instead, what if we can simply cherish the little moments we have with our partner today, right here right now?
Not looking ahead into the future, but enjoying the present.
Shaping the future brick by brick, moment by moment.
That, to me, feels like a much better use of time and energy.
Channel your energy into giving love to yourself and your partner today, not worrying about what tomorrow will bring.
How does that sound?
I'm rooting for you!
